Courage

There is nothing more courageous than living the truth.

Measuring grieving

It's been a year, today, that my Dad died.

Honestly, I feel a bit guilty that it really seems to have arrived without any trauma. I feel like I should care more, or have a melt down, or *something*. I just don't feel like I need to. My wife suggests these things are what you make them to be. Thanks Honey. Definitely makes me feel better.

During his illness I experienced a very was almost a visceral sense of fabric of the universe in motion. I didn't feel small, I was a part. I certainly wasn't in control, but I was important. It was all connected. I feel like I was a part of what was happening, and I was really OK to let things happen.

On my last visit with my Dad, he really didn't seem to have any idea of what was coming. I'm not sure if that was the pain killers causing a haze, or the cancer that was killing him, or an unwillingness to accept what was occurring. I suspect the later, as he wanted to get out of hospital, and get on with things. No time for dying, which then and now seems like he horribly missed the point. It's sad for me to say that I really have no idea what he was thinking.

I do have a profound sense of loss with my Dad. But it isn't new. I've had it for many years. But he lived his life the way he wanted, and I did let my sense of loss go long before he was sick. He only wanted so much in a relationship with me. We had that.

I like being a Dad, and being a part of my kids lives. I plan to lean in to my relationship with them as much as I can. I like to tell them how much I care about them, and love them. I try to tangibly show that on a daily basis. My goal as a Dad is to teach them to trust God and themselves. To be self aware and choose for themselves. Then celebrate that with them.

Yeah, I do loose my cool sometimes which sucks: I'm no where near a saint or superman. Most importantly though, we're not done in developing, exploring and enjoying our relationship. No where near done.

That doesn't mean that I haven't though a lot about him over the last 12 months. At first I would think I should give him a call (I usually would initiate contact), and then I would have to remember he's very much out of cell coverage. Now, I have both of those thoughts almost simultaneously. It adds to that that sense of loss every time I can't call. I'm not sure what that means, really. Is that improvement? Not sure. I know things are reaching a balance, and somehow I know it's all OK. Perhaps the only tangible measure is acceptance: and I think I'm there.

I put up this plaque by my office. I enjoy it when people come by, read it, and know I care. If even just in passing. Some do think it's really strange that some ashes are there: even perhaps disrespectful? I don't think I get that either.

Funny, but I know my Dad couldn't give a rip that anyone care to remember him after he was gone. For me I care. I miss him and like to remember his life. That feels good.

Why is change important: Part 2

It provides opportunity for us be whole.

I believe being truly happy, is a result of choosing well. When we choose well, we encourage life and liveliness for ourselves and others.

Sometimes choices are hard.

It's easy to point at other broken people or things and want to make outward changes. There may be 'corporate' type things you are responsible for and you must make hard choices. This might easily fit a workplace. Choose the things that add to life and liveliness of those around and the world will be a better place. It's your responsibility.

But what about the things that we need? It's funny, but we all know getting things we want will not make us happy. You can't buy, manoeuvre, plan, or takeover happiness. But we all try. Again and again. Finding the 'right spouse', changing a government, making someone pay, having riches. No good.

Yet, investing yourself in a good spouse, seeking to work to make a government better, forgiving wrongs, working hard to earn that whatever you want drives the mechanics inside us all to feel contentment. Guess what? That adds life and liveliness to yourself and others.

It is change that gives us this opportunity. The trick is knowing what you need to control, and then choosing a course that gives, not takes. Which requires you personally to give of yourself. A life of careful choices to give, it what is key, to ultimately feel full of purpose and to feel whole.

Articulate what has changed, then what that means to you and those around you. Is it adding to life and liveliness, or taking it away? Chances are, the latter. Then ask yourself what is good for me, and others?

I have no idea what you might apply that too, but if your answer is going to require great personal cost, you are probably on the right track.

Peace, Justice, Love and Tolerance

So many voices speaking out for truth.
Articulate arguments for peace, justice, love, and tolerance
It's the purpose of the UN you know:
Peace by cajoling and political maneuvering
Does that ever really work?
You cannot make people choose.
Artists capture the ideal, compelling us all.
Everyone loves the idea of peace.
Even those who would purposefully cause pain
It's so much easier to gain an advantage when people's guard is down.

Free will and choice of the individual cannot be stopped
Cannot be taken away
People's have the power to either hurt those around them
or add to their lives
So often, the choice is to take
Without thinking.
Maybe on purpose,
Maybe innocently.
It's just what happens: they say.
It's the way we it's done: not their idea.
They don't have a choice.
They are not to blame...

Who is?
At some point, it has to be ourselves
That choose to stop taking, and give to others.
Not because it's moral
Not because we're making someone happy
But because being a whole person means we take on our own pain.
Not subtly push it to someone else.

This is life

I understand the cost to own pain
I understand the drive to stop those who don't.
I understand the desire to be free of pain.
I feel the hopelessness.
But I'm also blessed to understand the joy of being around those that add life and liveliness

We cannot stop people choosing to pass the pain.
We can't really blame them: we've all done it
Whether they do it because they lack awareness of what they do
Or believe they are entitled to be free,
We cannot stop them.
We must choose to own our pain.

We have to forgive.
We have to trust.
We have to choose to own that.

Welcome to the family, Parker

We got ourselves a new dog!

We found Parker (Lab/Collie mix) at the Red Deer SPCA. He belonged to a family in Red Deer, that apparently had several small children and we guess that there was just too much going on.

He's 11 months, so not quite done with being a puppy, but was obviously well cared for. He's a low energy dog, and so is very happy to lie around when we are not busy. Right from the get go he feel into a good walking step with us, and loves to sniff things and a very gentle soul.

He does seem to be a little skiddish of a few things: loud noises seem to fluster him a bit, he seems afraid of splashes of water, and brooms. He certainly isn't eating very well yet, but otherwise he seems to have adjusted very well, and is extremely well adjusted. He is very interested in pleasing everyone around, so we feel very fortunate to have found him.

A couple days ago, my son and I took Parker out to the Dickson Dam resevoir for a walk. There was lots of talk of mathmatical proofs (the Banach-Tarski paradox states that 1 sphere can be cut into 5 pieces and re-assembled into 2 spheres identical to the first) and the whole ride home was spent bantering on the effects of cutting a quantum cloud in half. The math and physics remain unsolved, but the dog got a good walk and I had at least a couple good quantum questions. Parker was sleeping soundly after all that sniffing.

We look forward to Parker being with us for many years to come.

Sunday morning bath in the pond

http://picasaweb.google.com/brucemilne/Animals#5336844815673390786

My son's shower epiphany

On our way in the van out to Mother's Day events in Three Hills, My son spoke up with his shower epiphany.

'Mercy is really meaningless and wasted, if the person being given mercy is not aware of what they have done wrong.'

Wow.