Good things happen in the worst times

If there ever was proof that God is there, it's at the worst times.

With my Dad very ill, it's now that all the equations change. My brother pointed out that it doesn't matter what issues you've been holding on to, someone is dying and no one has the luxury of holding on to broken things any more.

We all seem to avoid dealing with so many issues because we're busy. True, you don't want to spend your life all melancholy and dwelling on the negative things that become your 'emotional focus'. That's called self pity. Pushing through the terror and fear that affects you is the process of becoming self aware. We all need to feel the pain and understand a few things: then we need to choose what we are going to do and believe. These are the moments that define who we are.

When we do get through to labeling some things in our own minds, we suddenly can do the right things:
- see the things we can't control (because they are not our to own) and choose to trust those things to be people (or God) who needs to own them.
- realize that we need to open ourselves up to our communities (or loved ones)
- let go of the things that we need to, embrace and dwell on the things that matter

Getting to that moment when we let go requires understanding of ourselves, and that only comes through wrestling with what really matters to you. When we do that, there is peace, rest, joy that we can experience there. We are no longer defined by the brokeness of the things we cannot control.

I'm perhaps overstating the obvious, but it almost seems magical how so much pain gives way to clarity and freedom. No, I'm not overstating it. That is magical.

My Dad built 'The best fort ever'

My Dad built us the best fort ever. I remember coming home one day to find a huge 2x4 skeleton lying in the back yard, and watched as a group of men showed up to pull on ropes in the trees and lift the best fort ever up.

It had 5 levels:
- the dungeon, accessed via the trap door in the entrance level.
- the entrance level, with the ladder up the wall
- my level, where I and my friends sleept on sleep over nights
- John's level, with the balcony that opened up
- the roof observation level with the railing

From the rooftop, you could see over the roof of our split level house to the road in front.

Absolutely the best fort ever!

The terror of dying

(A follow up to my last post written on the plane)

When I came out to my office this morning, it had frozen over night and so I needed to make a fire in my wood stove to warm things up. I was once again faced with death as I found a little sparrow had fallen down the chimney, while I was away in Vancouver seeing my Dad.

Unable to to escape back up, it had made it through the flu system and into the firebox, where it was able to see the office windows through the glass wood stove door. The poor thing was able to see the sunlight, trees and freedom, but was trapped in an iron prison, full of ashes from the last fire.

I could tell it had fought to get up the chimney: there was soot from the pipes blown out from the joint at the top of the stove. But unable to spread it's wings in the six inch pipe, it must have had to give up and try to find another way out. Or perhaps it was exhausted or injured, as it struggled. Inside he might have felt forced to choose the only path available, and followed the smell of fresh air coming from the damper, until he made his way through to the firebox.

I'm not even sure how he made any progress out of the pipe and into the firebox, given there is no clear path, or open hole. He must have struggled, terrified and clueless to the right way to go. Feeling his way along.

Inside the firebox, there was a lot of evidence of the ashes that had been blown around as he desperately tried to escape. The outside was right over there! He could see it through the glass door, not even 10 feet away. He had made it through the dark pipes, just one more impossible obstacle, and freedom!

I can't imagine the desperation: trapped, confused. Why did he even chose to go that way in the first place? Seemed like a good idea, I guess. With no idea of the consequences, he was now a prisoner in a dark, lonely place he never bargained for. How unfair is that? It is unfair, isn't it?

I hope he understands that I feel the tragedy of this all. I think it's unfair, yet God gave him, and us all, the freedom to get hurt as we fight forces none of use understand when we start out. Why does it have to be so hard?

Somehow, I hope he knows that I understand at least a bit, even though we're so different. Perhaps he does, somehow. I will never know.

How do you avoid a wasted life?

Visiting my father this weekend brought the topic up. He is, unfortunately, quite sick to the point of spending most of the time just resting, in pain, looking forward to a simple meal at the seniors residence. That's it.

He rather surprised me when he emphatically told me how guilty he was of not spending more time with family, and instead wasting time doing a job he wasn't suited for.

A) He took care of the needs of our family, quite well. That counts.
B) He's always been quite clear in choosing what he wanted to do, and did it.
C) It probably is not fair to yourself to question you life, at a time like this.

I can see the fact that we choose things that we wish we did different when we get to the consequences later. Hind sight is 20/20. We all want our cake and to eat it too. Perhaps we generally favor the short term though, and down play the cost for later, since consequences are a long time in the future?

I guess I'm wondering why we don't take the bigger picture more seriously. You are going to have to pay: at some point. Do you really want to defer that to the end of your life? Under the best circumstances, with failing health everything is very stress full, confusing and slightly addled. It really is not the time to decide pay the price of regretful decisions.

So decide everyday, what matters, and choose that, whatever the cost. Don't play games with yourself, and others. If you are not sure what it is you might regret then, you really should work on that, or it's gonna get messy. To achieve peace, you will have to own and accept your choices, including the ones you avoided.

That will certainly add to life and liveliness now and later, you will become more consistent as a person, and not have to live with regret and guilt.

Can sadness be good?

Is there a good kind of sadness??

My brother John, sister in law Jocelyn, niece Nicole and nephew Ben just left after a week of fun and activity. It was a great time. Train rides, lots of food I had fun cooking, adventures on the prairies, a rodeo and even replacing our back door and working on the man cave with some great timbers John and I bought from a sawmill. Mike, Jeanette and Rachael even joined in!! Man! A busy week, but full of laughter and memories. The kids had a great time playing. John and I laughed ourselves silly as we tore a large hole in the house, and put up some very manly timbers.

They just pulled out, back off on their long way home. People crying and it feels like half of the crew just left leaving a very large vacuum. We're all at loose ends now: no one sure what to do, lots clean up to do, projects to get too and deathly quiet. Is this what parents go through all the time with an empty nest? How on earth is this supposed to be good?

It really sucks, that they had to go. But parties have to come to an end.

Maybe feeling really sad helps you to realize how great it all was. It must be selfish, somehow, because there is no reason to feel bad. I had a years worth of fun, my major 'on vaccation' reno goals have already been met and exceeded, and I even have time left over to start moping up details that are left over. A great vacation, already. Let's face it, to keep that up for another week would probably leave me in the hospital from either exhaustion, some other kind of poisoning or crushed by having a rough sawn timber landing on me as I feel off a ladder laughing too hard.

No, this kind of sadness from deep inside points to how great community can be as people choose to care for each other, and be cared about. There is a good bit of risk of the unknown mixed in there too as people have to figure out how we're going to get along, which could have gone bad. We're family after all! But there wasn't anything bad, and now a deep hole which makes a guy realize just how huge a good time can really be.

Life and community is great. Although the sadness stings, and will for a while, it feels really sweet. And that's the kinds of sweetness in life that money can't buy.

Coals getting ready for aged tenderloin

Adds life and liveliness: oh yeah......... I don't think anyone can dispute that!

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