My Father passed away 20 mins ago.
I feel confused, sad, not sure what happens next.
He's been fighting cancer, and in the last 2 or 3 months been getting sicker. Just last weekend I went to visit him. He mistook me for his brother Kenny, and I panicked a bit as he said to me that he 'didn't know what the plan was'. Even though he is unable to eat, and stand, last night he was asking to leave. The nurses even had to post someone 24hrs, because he kept getting out of bed and trying to leave.
I'm not sure if that is failing to accept the obvious, or refusing to give in. Either way it is my father. Years ago as a young man in South Africa, he understood and defined exactly what and who he was. My father always chose what he wanted, always knew what he was trying to do, and was always making progress. Unfortunately that included work more than family, and being logically consistent in his own head instead of in community and dependant on others, but that was his way. He was pretty fearless, and I think he didn't know anything other than 'get the job done' up to his final hours.
When I saw him a few days ago, and unable to really have a conversation, we just sat together. That's it. Just sat. I actually was doing email on my phone, which was fine: we were together in a simple and peaceful kind of way. Just a moment of being together. He put his hand on my knee, affectionately, and whispered, 'people talk too much'. I laughed.
My Dad, John George Milne, was born June 24, 1937 and died December 11, 2008 at the age of 71 from cancer.
4 comments:
Hugs and Prayers
lovely words - thanks for sharing
Hey Bruce,
What an amazing post. I know you're hurting. Kris and I are praying for you. But what an amazing thing to share. I am touched, humbled, inspired.
Bless you in this time, you certainly have blessed me. I feel like I know your father from your posts and I certainly know you better.
What a good son you are.
steve
Occasionally popular culture gets something right or at least something worth noting. Grey's Anatomy, a television show that is generally puerile, had a moment where one character "welcomes" another character to the Dead Dad's Club. There is something about the loss of a father that creates a sense of connection . . . but it's a connection I wish I didn't share with anyone.
Welcome to the club, sorry you had to join.
Grandpa was a great person. The only thing I wish is that we could have spent more time together. Sometimes when I am in bed I think about him, and then I can feel he is there, with me, and watching over me.
And by the way, dad can we get ice cream?
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