Measuring grieving

It's been a year, today, that my Dad died.

Honestly, I feel a bit guilty that it really seems to have arrived without any trauma. I feel like I should care more, or have a melt down, or *something*. I just don't feel like I need to. My wife suggests these things are what you make them to be. Thanks Honey. Definitely makes me feel better.

During his illness I experienced a very was almost a visceral sense of fabric of the universe in motion. I didn't feel small, I was a part. I certainly wasn't in control, but I was important. It was all connected. I feel like I was a part of what was happening, and I was really OK to let things happen.

On my last visit with my Dad, he really didn't seem to have any idea of what was coming. I'm not sure if that was the pain killers causing a haze, or the cancer that was killing him, or an unwillingness to accept what was occurring. I suspect the later, as he wanted to get out of hospital, and get on with things. No time for dying, which then and now seems like he horribly missed the point. It's sad for me to say that I really have no idea what he was thinking.

I do have a profound sense of loss with my Dad. But it isn't new. I've had it for many years. But he lived his life the way he wanted, and I did let my sense of loss go long before he was sick. He only wanted so much in a relationship with me. We had that.

I like being a Dad, and being a part of my kids lives. I plan to lean in to my relationship with them as much as I can. I like to tell them how much I care about them, and love them. I try to tangibly show that on a daily basis. My goal as a Dad is to teach them to trust God and themselves. To be self aware and choose for themselves. Then celebrate that with them.

Yeah, I do loose my cool sometimes which sucks: I'm no where near a saint or superman. Most importantly though, we're not done in developing, exploring and enjoying our relationship. No where near done.

That doesn't mean that I haven't though a lot about him over the last 12 months. At first I would think I should give him a call (I usually would initiate contact), and then I would have to remember he's very much out of cell coverage. Now, I have both of those thoughts almost simultaneously. It adds to that that sense of loss every time I can't call. I'm not sure what that means, really. Is that improvement? Not sure. I know things are reaching a balance, and somehow I know it's all OK. Perhaps the only tangible measure is acceptance: and I think I'm there.

I put up this plaque by my office. I enjoy it when people come by, read it, and know I care. If even just in passing. Some do think it's really strange that some ashes are there: even perhaps disrespectful? I don't think I get that either.

Funny, but I know my Dad couldn't give a rip that anyone care to remember him after he was gone. For me I care. I miss him and like to remember his life. That feels good.

Why is change important: Part 2

It provides opportunity for us be whole.

I believe being truly happy, is a result of choosing well. When we choose well, we encourage life and liveliness for ourselves and others.

Sometimes choices are hard.

It's easy to point at other broken people or things and want to make outward changes. There may be 'corporate' type things you are responsible for and you must make hard choices. This might easily fit a workplace. Choose the things that add to life and liveliness of those around and the world will be a better place. It's your responsibility.

But what about the things that we need? It's funny, but we all know getting things we want will not make us happy. You can't buy, manoeuvre, plan, or takeover happiness. But we all try. Again and again. Finding the 'right spouse', changing a government, making someone pay, having riches. No good.

Yet, investing yourself in a good spouse, seeking to work to make a government better, forgiving wrongs, working hard to earn that whatever you want drives the mechanics inside us all to feel contentment. Guess what? That adds life and liveliness to yourself and others.

It is change that gives us this opportunity. The trick is knowing what you need to control, and then choosing a course that gives, not takes. Which requires you personally to give of yourself. A life of careful choices to give, it what is key, to ultimately feel full of purpose and to feel whole.

Articulate what has changed, then what that means to you and those around you. Is it adding to life and liveliness, or taking it away? Chances are, the latter. Then ask yourself what is good for me, and others?

I have no idea what you might apply that too, but if your answer is going to require great personal cost, you are probably on the right track.

Peace, Justice, Love and Tolerance

So many voices speaking out for truth.
Articulate arguments for peace, justice, love, and tolerance
It's the purpose of the UN you know:
Peace by cajoling and political maneuvering
Does that ever really work?
You cannot make people choose.
Artists capture the ideal, compelling us all.
Everyone loves the idea of peace.
Even those who would purposefully cause pain
It's so much easier to gain an advantage when people's guard is down.

Free will and choice of the individual cannot be stopped
Cannot be taken away
People's have the power to either hurt those around them
or add to their lives
So often, the choice is to take
Without thinking.
Maybe on purpose,
Maybe innocently.
It's just what happens: they say.
It's the way we it's done: not their idea.
They don't have a choice.
They are not to blame...

Who is?
At some point, it has to be ourselves
That choose to stop taking, and give to others.
Not because it's moral
Not because we're making someone happy
But because being a whole person means we take on our own pain.
Not subtly push it to someone else.

This is life

I understand the cost to own pain
I understand the drive to stop those who don't.
I understand the desire to be free of pain.
I feel the hopelessness.
But I'm also blessed to understand the joy of being around those that add life and liveliness

We cannot stop people choosing to pass the pain.
We can't really blame them: we've all done it
Whether they do it because they lack awareness of what they do
Or believe they are entitled to be free,
We cannot stop them.
We must choose to own our pain.

We have to forgive.
We have to trust.
We have to choose to own that.

Welcome to the family, Parker

We got ourselves a new dog!

We found Parker (Lab/Collie mix) at the Red Deer SPCA. He belonged to a family in Red Deer, that apparently had several small children and we guess that there was just too much going on.

He's 11 months, so not quite done with being a puppy, but was obviously well cared for. He's a low energy dog, and so is very happy to lie around when we are not busy. Right from the get go he feel into a good walking step with us, and loves to sniff things and a very gentle soul.

He does seem to be a little skiddish of a few things: loud noises seem to fluster him a bit, he seems afraid of splashes of water, and brooms. He certainly isn't eating very well yet, but otherwise he seems to have adjusted very well, and is extremely well adjusted. He is very interested in pleasing everyone around, so we feel very fortunate to have found him.

A couple days ago, my son and I took Parker out to the Dickson Dam resevoir for a walk. There was lots of talk of mathmatical proofs (the Banach-Tarski paradox states that 1 sphere can be cut into 5 pieces and re-assembled into 2 spheres identical to the first) and the whole ride home was spent bantering on the effects of cutting a quantum cloud in half. The math and physics remain unsolved, but the dog got a good walk and I had at least a couple good quantum questions. Parker was sleeping soundly after all that sniffing.

We look forward to Parker being with us for many years to come.

Sunday morning bath in the pond

http://picasaweb.google.com/brucemilne/Animals#5336844815673390786

My son's shower epiphany

On our way in the van out to Mother's Day events in Three Hills, My son spoke up with his shower epiphany.

'Mercy is really meaningless and wasted, if the person being given mercy is not aware of what they have done wrong.'

Wow.

Should a new range hood install take 8+ hours?

That doesn't even include the prep time on the wall! Many thanks to my wife for help out at times, and Scott who dove in and got busy. He really did great, and found things I had missed and fixed them on his own!! Another reno junkie in the making?

The space had a fridge in it when we started, and as you can see once removed there was gaping holes in the lath and plaster, and a terrible lack of vapour barrier and insulation. Once taken down to the studs, the 2x4 walls built out to 2x6, new electrical, new gas supply and some plywood finish to stand in for drywall, we get to putting in the range hood.

The new stove is about as professional as you can get at home, and can generate more BTU's than my furnace. A 36" BlueStar with built in grill and two 22k BTU burners. And now a hood to match!

I should mention that this is just planning/staging/proto-typing of our kitchen. We're thinking green, with a white subway tile backsplash, maybe stainless steel countertops, etc, etc, but so far we've just re-done the back door, and this 6 foot space. Maybe we're crazy to do a bit at a time, but this is what works for us. I could really make a good argument for working through decisions and planning this way in stages, rather than trying to plan the whole stinking thing at once. We weren't planning on starting the kitchen yet, still other things in progress. I just found the stove at cost, and knew that I would have to pay almost 3 times the price to order anything of this magnitude at regular prices.

The hood is a Broan 36" shell, with a external 1200 cfm blower. Ok, according to the formula one uses to determin how big your range hood needs to be, 900 cfm would have been enough, and twice as much as the typical kitchen blower. But with that grill, I wanted to *make sure* I didn't smoke up the house with the grill.

It's turned out better than expected! At about 1/3 power, I pull enough air to match 'normal' exhaust and it's very quiet because of the commercial style baffles and the motor outside. At full bore, it's enough suction to easily handle my pork chop test drive, and more I'm sure. Standing outside, it is amazing the down draft coming out of that thing...

So far, so good. The first chops disappeared quickly. I love cooking with all the horse power and look forward to working her hard!

The importance of choice.

At times I go on and on about choices, and perhaps tend to be a little
too black and white. Life, sometimes isn't that easy. But chances
are those dificulties stem from past choices. Consequences hurt.
Here's the condensed version of my theology on choices.

1. The great thing about being an adult, is that we get to choose.
2. Your choice isn't right, or wrong sometimes: it's just your choice.
3. Sometimes, you need to wait to enjoy the fruit of your choice, but
good choices always bring joy.
4. When we fail to choose, we frustrate ourselves and poison others.
5. Growth and fulfilment come from choice.
6. We have to own our lives, in order to choose.
7. God will judge your choices: learn to choose well.
8. We understand ourselves, and others better when we choose.
9. We empower ourselves and others when we make choices that benefit
the comunities around us.
10. Owning other peoples reponsibilities and choices is generally not
healthy and creates dependancy.
11. Nothing robs life and liveliness like failure to understand and
own your choices.

Living a life full of liveliness includes grieving

I think it's obvious to anyone that knows me, or interacts with me often, that I'm not really myself at the moment. That's what drives me nuts about my moment in the ditch: I'm just not myself. Normally, I don't drive into ditches. I'm tired often, possibly entirely due to an emotionally draining last year but also due to my brain churning on bigger issues. I struggle to enjoy cooking and even feel overwhelmed with some of the basic tasks to be done. It's fair to say that recent events are still hanging painfully hard on me.

I've been reading articles here and there online about grieving. They all seem quite academic, and there isn't much in the way of practical help. Talking with Steve the other day helped a lot. Steve often seems to put things in a very practical way. He was expressing some of his own experience with his Father dying, and he said that his father dying just made things different. The world was changed, and getting used to the world being different is something that people that are grieving need to adapt to. That is the grieving process. That made sense to me, and is some good practical help.

If you had asked me a year ago how grieving would go, I would have said very little about the bigger picture, and talked about a relationship with the person that died. I thought my head would be swimming about my my Father and what was lost, and possibly yet undone between us. But instead it seems to be quite backward. I don't think about our relationship at all: nothing seems left undone, no unanswered questions on my mind, no unfinished business. But yet, my brain spins on a world that is different.

Scott Peck in 'The Road less Travelled' talks about balance and the depression that comes from letting go of the things we love in order to maintain that balance. If we are honest about life, things do change from time to time and we must let go of some things we love to maintain our balance. Or we have to lie to ourselves and avoid change in order to keep that balance. I'm just not sure what has changed so far, and what I need to honestly face.

Maybe it's as simple as giving up my chance to be and interact with my Father, and in him dying I've lost the ability, or option, to be there as a part of his life. That doesn't seem to be it, for me. Perhaps it's just understanding in a very personal way the implications of a life ending and I'm churning on if I've made the right choices that matter to me. That could be it. It's possibly as simple as being nailed with the stark reality of what is important in my life. Not in an angry way, but we only get one shot at a lifetime, and it needs to count.

It is very clear to me that my father fiercely created and lived the life he chose. Which seems so much of a tragedy to me because he chose not to share so much of himself, but locked it up. Finished, forever. Ironically my father would have scoffed at a lot of emotional noise. He'd say 'All I need is my Bible.' Sadly, that misses the point, or perhaps highlights it. I don't want to be detached from people and lock myself away. I don't want to fear and hide, I want to share in community with good people, and be balanced.

I choose to share with people, even though that means accepting the pains of life. I am so grateful for so many people, near and far, that care about me. Unbelievably so, at a time like this. I look forward to a lifetime full of rich sharing with the people that matter to me. That is what matters to me and I embrace that.

Just in case you're wondering how I'm doing...

A picture says a thousand words.

I have no excuse for this. I drove out for a coffee, like I often do. I had the coffee, was driving down a different country road (scouting picture locations) and was just thinking about things. I wasn't going fast (50 - 60 km/hour), no traffic, wasn't even bad drifting snow. I wasn't drinking coffee at the time, it was in the holder. I wasn't on the phone talking or text messaging: I had my seatbelt on, two hands on the wheel, staring straight ahead.

My one excuse is that the ditch was so filled with snow, that it was impossible to know where the edge of the road was. And given it was a gravel road, a very sharp edge. Regardless, once the tire was caught on the edge, it was all over.

Luckily, of course, I did have 2 different cell devices from 2 different carriers, my GPS was running, and I was just outside of town. I could see the cell tower. The tow truck was there within an hour and I was out in 5 mins with no damage: other than $100 for the winch. It was good that it came so quick, and lucky that the engine was still running, because with the wind chill at -30, it was the kind of weather you can die in.

The good news? My coffee didn't even spill.

Entitlement causes war

Why does no one speak up that entitlement is just wrong?

Israel launched it's ground offensive into Gaza today. All I have heard out of the media for the last week during Israel's aerial bombardment of Gaza is how war is not the solution: there must be a ceasefire and a political solution.

But that political solution is really dealing with entitlement. It doesn't matter if it's bankers on Wall street feeling entitled, or gangs in a big cities, racial issues on large or little scales or even a group like a union feels that are oppressed. Heck, even English and French Canadians want to separate because they feel entitled to not deal with each other. If someone believes they are entitled to something, there's gonna be trouble. Sometimes revolution is required to stop being a doormat and bring change. Been lots of good revolutions. But as soon as entitlement takes over, war begins, to take something you believe is yours.

Where is Hamas on this subject? Israel says it will stop if the rockets stop. Hamas keeps firing. In fact, during the last 6 month 'cease fire', there were 38 rockets fired from Gaza in the first 4.5 weeks. I'm sure there were operations from Israel too, but then in the next 6 weeks 290 rockets and a further 200 plus rockets before the aerial bombardment started. Plus the *kind* of rockets changed from little rockets to bigger rockets that threaten a million Israeli's. Hamas seems to have used the cease fire to get bigger and better weapons to kill Israelis with. They seem pretty bent on a fight to get what they want. They are waging war, are they not? Just not a very good one.

Israel feels entitled to things, so does Hamas. I think Israel's is open to Gaza and the Palestinians as a whole having their own autonomy. Hence, if Hamas stops the attacks, they stop. Hamas, as I understand it, want every Israeli dead and doesn't recognize Israel. They are entitled to death to Israel and to take over Israel to boot.

So where does this leave us? Someone please tell me who can control Hamas, and who can get Hamas to join with the Palestinians (which is in the worst internal mess since 1967) to decide that Israel is a State, and choose to stop fighting. No one has stated a goal from Hamas. Hamas that treats Israel as an equal. Until they stop feeling entitled to kill every Israeli, how can there be peace? Surely Israel will need to lighten up too, but they cannot if their neighbour is trying to kill them.

If you poke a hornets nest, you're gonna get stung. Does that make sense to anyone? Why doesn't the media talk about what people believe they are entitled to? Surely that is the issue here.