Living a life full of liveliness includes grieving

I think it's obvious to anyone that knows me, or interacts with me often, that I'm not really myself at the moment. That's what drives me nuts about my moment in the ditch: I'm just not myself. Normally, I don't drive into ditches. I'm tired often, possibly entirely due to an emotionally draining last year but also due to my brain churning on bigger issues. I struggle to enjoy cooking and even feel overwhelmed with some of the basic tasks to be done. It's fair to say that recent events are still hanging painfully hard on me.

I've been reading articles here and there online about grieving. They all seem quite academic, and there isn't much in the way of practical help. Talking with Steve the other day helped a lot. Steve often seems to put things in a very practical way. He was expressing some of his own experience with his Father dying, and he said that his father dying just made things different. The world was changed, and getting used to the world being different is something that people that are grieving need to adapt to. That is the grieving process. That made sense to me, and is some good practical help.

If you had asked me a year ago how grieving would go, I would have said very little about the bigger picture, and talked about a relationship with the person that died. I thought my head would be swimming about my my Father and what was lost, and possibly yet undone between us. But instead it seems to be quite backward. I don't think about our relationship at all: nothing seems left undone, no unanswered questions on my mind, no unfinished business. But yet, my brain spins on a world that is different.

Scott Peck in 'The Road less Travelled' talks about balance and the depression that comes from letting go of the things we love in order to maintain that balance. If we are honest about life, things do change from time to time and we must let go of some things we love to maintain our balance. Or we have to lie to ourselves and avoid change in order to keep that balance. I'm just not sure what has changed so far, and what I need to honestly face.

Maybe it's as simple as giving up my chance to be and interact with my Father, and in him dying I've lost the ability, or option, to be there as a part of his life. That doesn't seem to be it, for me. Perhaps it's just understanding in a very personal way the implications of a life ending and I'm churning on if I've made the right choices that matter to me. That could be it. It's possibly as simple as being nailed with the stark reality of what is important in my life. Not in an angry way, but we only get one shot at a lifetime, and it needs to count.

It is very clear to me that my father fiercely created and lived the life he chose. Which seems so much of a tragedy to me because he chose not to share so much of himself, but locked it up. Finished, forever. Ironically my father would have scoffed at a lot of emotional noise. He'd say 'All I need is my Bible.' Sadly, that misses the point, or perhaps highlights it. I don't want to be detached from people and lock myself away. I don't want to fear and hide, I want to share in community with good people, and be balanced.

I choose to share with people, even though that means accepting the pains of life. I am so grateful for so many people, near and far, that care about me. Unbelievably so, at a time like this. I look forward to a lifetime full of rich sharing with the people that matter to me. That is what matters to me and I embrace that.

Just in case you're wondering how I'm doing...

A picture says a thousand words.

I have no excuse for this. I drove out for a coffee, like I often do. I had the coffee, was driving down a different country road (scouting picture locations) and was just thinking about things. I wasn't going fast (50 - 60 km/hour), no traffic, wasn't even bad drifting snow. I wasn't drinking coffee at the time, it was in the holder. I wasn't on the phone talking or text messaging: I had my seatbelt on, two hands on the wheel, staring straight ahead.

My one excuse is that the ditch was so filled with snow, that it was impossible to know where the edge of the road was. And given it was a gravel road, a very sharp edge. Regardless, once the tire was caught on the edge, it was all over.

Luckily, of course, I did have 2 different cell devices from 2 different carriers, my GPS was running, and I was just outside of town. I could see the cell tower. The tow truck was there within an hour and I was out in 5 mins with no damage: other than $100 for the winch. It was good that it came so quick, and lucky that the engine was still running, because with the wind chill at -30, it was the kind of weather you can die in.

The good news? My coffee didn't even spill.

Entitlement causes war

Why does no one speak up that entitlement is just wrong?

Israel launched it's ground offensive into Gaza today. All I have heard out of the media for the last week during Israel's aerial bombardment of Gaza is how war is not the solution: there must be a ceasefire and a political solution.

But that political solution is really dealing with entitlement. It doesn't matter if it's bankers on Wall street feeling entitled, or gangs in a big cities, racial issues on large or little scales or even a group like a union feels that are oppressed. Heck, even English and French Canadians want to separate because they feel entitled to not deal with each other. If someone believes they are entitled to something, there's gonna be trouble. Sometimes revolution is required to stop being a doormat and bring change. Been lots of good revolutions. But as soon as entitlement takes over, war begins, to take something you believe is yours.

Where is Hamas on this subject? Israel says it will stop if the rockets stop. Hamas keeps firing. In fact, during the last 6 month 'cease fire', there were 38 rockets fired from Gaza in the first 4.5 weeks. I'm sure there were operations from Israel too, but then in the next 6 weeks 290 rockets and a further 200 plus rockets before the aerial bombardment started. Plus the *kind* of rockets changed from little rockets to bigger rockets that threaten a million Israeli's. Hamas seems to have used the cease fire to get bigger and better weapons to kill Israelis with. They seem pretty bent on a fight to get what they want. They are waging war, are they not? Just not a very good one.

Israel feels entitled to things, so does Hamas. I think Israel's is open to Gaza and the Palestinians as a whole having their own autonomy. Hence, if Hamas stops the attacks, they stop. Hamas, as I understand it, want every Israeli dead and doesn't recognize Israel. They are entitled to death to Israel and to take over Israel to boot.

So where does this leave us? Someone please tell me who can control Hamas, and who can get Hamas to join with the Palestinians (which is in the worst internal mess since 1967) to decide that Israel is a State, and choose to stop fighting. No one has stated a goal from Hamas. Hamas that treats Israel as an equal. Until they stop feeling entitled to kill every Israeli, how can there be peace? Surely Israel will need to lighten up too, but they cannot if their neighbour is trying to kill them.

If you poke a hornets nest, you're gonna get stung. Does that make sense to anyone? Why doesn't the media talk about what people believe they are entitled to? Surely that is the issue here.