Tomorrow I start my 40's

Looking back 10 years, when I was turning 30, I had been married for only 2 years and was the father of our fist 6 month old. I don't think 30 was a big deal because *so* much changed starting with getting married, that 30 just didn't seem like a big change at all.

I think there is a clue there. Maybe I have a sense now of 'going the distance'. I've always been one to embrace change, and really do relish new and different things when they come up. Work is demanding, doing home renovations and being a family man definitely takes a lot of energy, but it's all pretty consistent from day to day. Perhaps my fear is that 40 is all about the daily grind.

Not that any of that is bad! I really am living the dream: this is exactly what I wanted! I suspect that if I had stayed in South East Asia to live and work, the issues at hand may just be the same anyway. Perhaps just written in Thai.

I've come a long way, and accomplished much. I think I have done well at keeping going. Yet the irony is that I also am finding limits to what I can do and how much I can do. Perhaps the pain right now is from feeling my finite limits and realizing there is a lot that I just cannot do.

Maybe it's all about learning to remember that 'God is soverign, and all powerful and actively involved in my life today'. Maybe I'm realizing how much God wants to be with me in every moment, and instead of doing more it's all about living more in the moments.

Maybe the pain is all about realizing the moment is critical, and that pain is God's birthday gift to me.

Dead Ringer

My brother in law Kenton opened the paper the other day and stumbled accross my obituary. Well, luckily it wasn't me, but is this guy a dead ringer or what? Did I find my double? Do you know where yours is and what he/she is up to?

Pic of me for comparison

From the Three Hills Capital, published January 16, 2008
Daniel Vert
Born: August 2, 1960
Died: December 17, 2007

Sounds like a good guy. I wonder if I should pay the family a visit. Perhaps a little visit from Daniel in the after life? Hehe. :)

God does care that we learn to trust

To explain my last post a bit more, God is actively with us in times of pain and cares deeply for us as individuals. It's just the kind of pain that maybe doesn't matter.

I labeled a point of pain as aging, but there can be all sorts of different points of pain that we feel. I don't think my real issue is a particular age, but that there are many things that I feel that I need to control, and have reached a point of overload where I need to focus on what I need to, and trust other issues to God.

Ironically it is in that moment and on that issue that God wants to transform us. He wants to be active in our lives right at that time that we need Him.

The actual point of pain is somewhat irrelevant compared to how we respond. We have to learn about ourselves in that moment and how we feel a lack of control over the issue at hand. We need to realize what specifically it is that we think should be easier. Or perhaps what we're entitled too. Then we can decide what it is that we need to get done in our lives, which is how we grow as people. We need to come to understand the things we need to take care of and then trust the rest to God. As those control and entitlement issues die, God is able to transform us.

When we see someone unshaken by a horrible assault of pain and able to remain at peace with God, we usually call them a saint. We all want to have the peace and joy of a saint, we just don't want to have to go through the gut wrenching trials that makes a saint. Saints are made by becoming aware of how broken and human they really are and figure out how they need to trust God.

Or said differently, perhaps the saint is the person that faces life's pain square on. Knowing that untold pain is coming, but understands it is a fact that they must face it as an opportunity to trust more. Maybe that's how those people are able to put aside their own issues, and be a help to others.

Sure, we can feel ripped off that God doesn't age, and he isn't lacking for money, and is more powerful than anything that can happen in our realm of knowledge. We can feel like it's easy for him, and we're the victims. It's not fair. This is why people try to help us by reminding us that there are other people that have far less than we do. Emily and I watched a BBC program a couple days ago about girls in Ethiopia. An estimated 40% of Ethiopian girls are wed off before the age of 12. Forced into a life where they do not have a chance to choose to seek their dreams of education, opportunity or anything else. They are forced into a life of serving the needs of the man that 'owns' them. That happens today. Even to girls as young as 5. Who reading this can say they have it worse than that?

Perhaps God seemingly doesn't care about one issue that we have identified because it's us that are hyper focusing on a single point of pain. It's us that feel like this one thing is the end of the world. Perhaps that's a good thing, because if we all realized all the pain in the world from the Gaza strip to the homeless in Alberta, we'd just crumble. But it is a human failing to be distracted from all of that to worry about a birthday.

I feel embarrassed to even mention things I would consider pain. My issues are so minor compared to so many. I have it so good to so many people I've seen and lived with all over the world. The really amazing thing is how God spares my life even though I'm spoiled and whine.

I think this is why the kind of pain is irrelevant. I think we're all faced with pain. How can you measure which person's pain is worse? Pain is simply a necessary function to teach us to understand ourselves, understand what it is that we do, be good stewards of that which we need to control, and otherwise learn to trust.

Something God doesn't care about

I don't think that God cares that I'm turning 40 in just a few weeks.

First off, God is timeless, so what does that even mean to him? I'm sure he can conceive of someone turning 40, but there is no significance to him of 40 years of anything. In fact, I think the Bible supports that.

That begs the question of why do I care. I sure am thinking about it a lot. I think there is a bunch of measuring, reflecting, contemplating and such going on in my head. But again, those are all *my* issues. God doesn't have those issues, and supposedly He's already provided a solution.

I want to be spoiled and not have to deal with the pain of all of that reflection. All of those emotional issues related to pain about time moving on, things I haven't done yet, things I'll never get to do at this point. Wow, I really think I could wallow in all that.

I think life has pain so we choose to trust. I think God cares what we choose to do about pain. I don't think God cares very much about where the pain comes from.

If Mike is right:

The reality of life is suffering.
The reaction to suffering is fear.
The response to fear is either trust or control.
The effect of control is to propagate suffering.
The result of trust is transformation.
The mechanism of transformation is death.
The opportunity of death is resurrection.
The outcome of resurrection is true life.

An age milestone has got to be the a key realization of lots of emotional pain. Grappling with our emotional loose ends must result in fear, although I'm not sure that I can articulate the kinds of things that I'm fearful of. Perhaps knowing someone with cancer has fears attached? Perhaps some broken relationships produce fears? Maybe it's all those undone things at work that I fear the consequences of? If I'm all about clarity as a person, perhaps it's that I fear my life is way to messy? I'm afraid I'm failing as a person? I'm not sure but the designated response to the fear is to control it. That's why a guy in mid life crisis is supposed to go buy a sports car right? To control the situation by making ourselves feel better? Yeah. I can see that causing even more suffering for sure. I don't know about a sports car, but a trip to a beach would be nice.

So the right response is to trust. Trust that God is sovereign, all powerful and active in our world today. I need to remember that I am his child that he loves just as I am, and know that as I live my life and do what I do that there isn't anything left undone. Now that sounds really comforting. I can feel it. I don't think a sports car can deliver that.

But I'm not sure what that transforms? And what has to die... Is that my ego that has to die? I'm willing to let that go at this point. Somehow, that seems too easy.

This is going to require more beer and wings to process.

Why is change important?

For this, history provides a good clue.

Perhaps the goal and reason to change is required first, before change is effective. Needless to say a certain amount of self awareness, divine intervention, or something needs to happen for people to choose to change and reach something new. This is why doing nothing is a choice and it gets you to the goal of nothing.

Sure, changing for the sake of changing could just be a neurosis of it's own. I'm not sure which one that would be, but it boils down to some bizarre kind of control. But there needs to be a reason that gets us to where we want to go. There are times when change is not required. And times when not doing anything is the right thing to do.

The danger though with doing nothing is that you are probably just being lazy and not taking the time to look around you and ask what is working and what isn't. Worse yet, you value something else in your life that prevents you from changing. Sometimes the early warning signs are all around us, but we choose to ignore them. None of us are free from needing to observe what is changing around us, and start asking questions.

For our historical illustration, I present Douglas Haig. Born June 19 1861, born into a good (read rich) family and became 'Field Marshal Sir Douglas Haig' of the British Empire. A top leader, commanded thousands, and as all accounts seem to go, a total idiot. The quotes you can find are priceless: 'as shy as a shool-girl, and as stupid as well'.

I pick on this guy because I seek to understand how I can be a better 'field marshal'. I'm not sure what license that gives me, but I plan to use it. And one of my big questions is the role of intelligence: do field marshals have to be really smart, or are things like self awareness, a controlled ego, the ability to ask for help, and an inquisitive nature just as important?

I guess we'll never know Sir Douglas Haig's IQ score, and it's hard to guess now. I would imagine the wealthy family played a big role in getting him along, but we have to assume he's at least as smart as the average guy. From his diary, and other quotes made by him, we certainly can see how he failed to adapt.

Some quotes from here:

* There is little doubt that Haig was an idiot. In 1926, 10 years after the barbed wire and machine gun defences of the German Army had proven conclusively that the day of the Horse Cavalry was over, Haig wrote "I believe that the value of the horse and the opportunity for the horse in the future are likely to be as great as ever. Aeroplanes and tanks are only accessories to the men and the horse, and I feel sure that as time goes on you will find just as much use for the horse - the well-bred horse - as you have ever done in the past".

* This man ordered hundreds of thousands of troops, his countrymen and 'damned colonials' to attack barbed wire entanglements 40 yards, sometimes 80 yards deep, covered by well placed machine guns in concrete pill-boxes on the high ground and did so without looking at the ground before during or after the battles. He did so time and time again and when confronted with the casualty lists merely said, "The nation must be prepared to see heavy casualty lists".

* "Success in battle depends mainly on morale and determination." Haig - 1907

* "The way to capture machine guns is by grit and determination." Haig - 1915

* "The nation must be taught to bear losses. No amount of skill on the part of the higher commanders, no training, however good, on the part of the officers and men, no superiority of arms and ammunition, however great, will enable victories to be won without the sacrifice of men's lives. The nation must be prepared to see heavy casualty lists." Haig June 1916 before the battle of the Somme

I don't think anyone would argue that determination is required to 'get it done'. A clear decision to risk your life for your choices requires an all or nothing kind of whole heartedness, and if you're going to battle you better be ready to fight and die. But how bad is it to fail to recognize a change to the 'rules' of war that are changing around you? Forget field marshals being experts at recognizing the changes in the 'game' around you, this is one of those things you have to learn in kindergarten. Failing to adapt is going to hurt.

Not to mention that failing to change, in this case sending thousands to die needlessly and without purpose is mind numbingly and obviously wrong. I'm going to guess it was his ego that was more important that all those lives.

Haig failed perhaps to see that a dead man cannot advance, and that to replace him is only to provide another corpse.
E. K. G. Sixsmith, British Generalship in the Twentieth Century, 1970

Perhaps being right was more important than the lives of others. Very sad.

But then, what is up with the British army leadership? Not only did he do this at the Battle of the Somme, but then he did it *again* later at the Third Battle of the Ypres. I just can't fathom all of that.

On this date in 1809

Edgar Allan Poe is born.

I think everyone probably recognizes the name. A poet, a writer, a novelist. But probably best known for poetry like 'The Raven' ...tap tap tapping on the chamber door. A tortured soul? Is he being judged? The meaning of life?

Remembered and praised in history as a great work. Yet, a very messy life. Parents dead by 3 years old and raised by his rich grandfather. But that didn't help him achieve social standing as he didn't finish university and wasn't able to last in the military. Sounds like a good label would be 'heavy drinker' as he bounced between various writing gigs. His wife's death made it all worse, and later yet he went missing after drinking one night to be found in a gutter 3 days later. He died in hospital at the age of 40. A sad biography, but a known figure in history all the same.

Good thing I'm still in my 30's!

What I do best

I was asked what is it that I do best. Easy to answer for some (like I
fix cars) and really hard in others. I guess the easies answer is that
I like to make an things run.

I was asked once at the end of college, as I went through 'missionary
accreditation' what I would like to do. I told the President of the
Christian and Missionary Alliance who asked, that I want to run stuff.
I had high language scores and wanted to go to a field where many people
were and I'd run the field and leave the others to do their job. Free
them from the administration. I was told the Christian and Missionary
Alliance doesn't send people overseas to run stuff. I should go be a
pastor.

Easy for me now to point at that and call it short sighted. Whatever
'chain of authority' that would violate and whatever sacred cows it
would slaughter, it prevented the mission from moving ahead. I left.
Perhaps I'm flattering myself here, but why would you not want a guy
with decent marks, a knack for languages, who has traveled the world and
eager to make the mission field great not to do what it is he believes
he is best to do? I'm thinking those same people may agree with me today.

What's worse, is I could have written the above the instant after those
words were spoken. I think in some ways for years I've been believing I
just can't do that. Even though as a kid I've had a sense that I'm
built to run stuff. In some ways I've been fighting my own self doubt
still to this day. Why would anyone cast shadows that can only serve to
rob life and liveliness? Why does *anyone* accept that? Why isn't
leadership better at understanding that than me and encouraging it?

How many times have we all tried to control people, instead of our
responsibilities, and not believed the words of others to our own
detriment?