Choice and grief

It's been a week since My Father's funeral. One crazy week. Flying to Vancouver with all the snow delays, trying to get around Vancouver in the worst snow in 40 years, arriving home late the night before Christmas eve, one kid throwing up 7 times all night before Christmas, then the busyness of Christmas day and boxing day, the other kid barfing the next day, and yesterday Della and I sick and in bed all day long. Thankfully, I am able to sit up now, and start climbing out of the hole.

It's fair to say my head is still spinning.

Christmas day I did my typical calls to family, and picked up my phone to call my Dad. He wasn't in Alberta much, and would only call me after months, so he was not a part of my daily activities. It's hard to change gears and realize that I can't call any more. I should be able to give him a call, and let him ask me about the weather out here. Ask him how he's doing, and get a short reply of 'hanging in there'. Then silence. Followed by me inventing more conversation starters, and more short answers. Funny that my inability to call him, is what hits me hard.

That really was my father's way: he was always interested in people and chit chat, but it was never deep. Being an usher was perfect for him. The small talk was the bulk of the communication I had with my Dad my whole life. Unfortunately, for me. The loss of my ability to call him brings it all home.

Then at the funeral, some of my fathers' friends from church and colleagues didn't even know he had sons! Let alone 2 ex wives, step children and lived 60+ years under his middle name 'George'. He had been shunned before in a church, and I imagine he dealt with that by simply not giving up too much information. One fellow board member told me he shared his life story with 'John' (the name many in White rock knew him by in the last 7 years) but had no idea that my Father had a family. Arguably his closest friend talked about some of the same things, like how my Father never accepted the fact he was dying. He never complained, but he never shared.

I've known for years there was no chance of relational intimacy with my Father, and in many ways none of this comes as a shock. What I don't think I was ready for was how stubbornly he took it all the way to the grave. I believe it's important to have relationships, and always thought something would change. I never imagined that he would seal himself off so tightly that he would die unconnected to anyone.

I have been processing this in my own life over the last 20 years, but the sense of tragedy is so poignant now. A history of missed opportunity that can never be reversed. It's all lost. He's dead now, and can never share his heart with his sons, or anyone that wanted to have a relationship with him. How could a guy strive his whole life for a deeper relationship with God, follow the examples of Christ, yet miss out on actually having relationships?

I guess some would say that just because he wasn't outwardly warm and vulnerable, doesn't mean he didn't have deep relationships from his perspective. He often told me that he thought we had a really great relationship. I never thought so, and was always dumbfounded when he said that. He had a line, and that was that.

Given the fact that over the course of his life he did no have any kind of deep relationship with anyone: how could he visit with his Savior now? What would be the point of arriving in heaven to visit his Savior and all the Saints after avoiding relationships for a lifetime? Would Christ be interested in small talk and a weather report? I imagine he would have left heaven, irritated at being dead and would be wandering around Uganda now as a spirit, trying to help, even though everyone is ignoring him because they can't see him. I'm not sure he would really notice or care. What could there possibly be to do in heaven where everything is perfect?

I guess I'm just not sure how a man who filled his life with scripture, did his devotions daily, wrestled to hear God's voice daily, abstained from anything 'evil' or 'of the world', never did anything dis-honest, loved the Lord with all his 'heart, soul and strength' could have missed the fact that the whole point is a relationship which involves self awareness and most of all trust and vulnerability. If his goal wasn't surrendering his heart to others openly and by sacrificing his agenda to be Christ to others, I'm just not sure what it was. Is doing stuff good? Or is that just busy?

Yet it is God that knows and judges the heart. I don't know how God does that, and I don't pretend to be able to judge now. If God wants us to make choices, and we are free to choose, then we cannot judge other people's choices. Perhaps just being left with a sense of tragedy is what grief is all about. Maybe we don't get to choose why.

My Father passed away

My Father passed away 20 mins ago.

I feel confused, sad, not sure what happens next.

He's been fighting cancer, and in the last 2 or 3 months been getting sicker. Just last weekend I went to visit him. He mistook me for his brother Kenny, and I panicked a bit as he said to me that he 'didn't know what the plan was'. Even though he is unable to eat, and stand, last night he was asking to leave. The nurses even had to post someone 24hrs, because he kept getting out of bed and trying to leave.

I'm not sure if that is failing to accept the obvious, or refusing to give in. Either way it is my father. Years ago as a young man in South Africa, he understood and defined exactly what and who he was. My father always chose what he wanted, always knew what he was trying to do, and was always making progress. Unfortunately that included work more than family, and being logically consistent in his own head instead of in community and dependant on others, but that was his way. He was pretty fearless, and I think he didn't know anything other than 'get the job done' up to his final hours.

When I saw him a few days ago, and unable to really have a conversation, we just sat together. That's it. Just sat. I actually was doing email on my phone, which was fine: we were together in a simple and peaceful kind of way. Just a moment of being together. He put his hand on my knee, affectionately, and whispered, 'people talk too much'. I laughed.

My Dad, John George Milne, was born June 24, 1937 and died December 11, 2008 at the age of 71 from cancer.

Good things happen in the worst times

If there ever was proof that God is there, it's at the worst times.

With my Dad very ill, it's now that all the equations change. My brother pointed out that it doesn't matter what issues you've been holding on to, someone is dying and no one has the luxury of holding on to broken things any more.

We all seem to avoid dealing with so many issues because we're busy. True, you don't want to spend your life all melancholy and dwelling on the negative things that become your 'emotional focus'. That's called self pity. Pushing through the terror and fear that affects you is the process of becoming self aware. We all need to feel the pain and understand a few things: then we need to choose what we are going to do and believe. These are the moments that define who we are.

When we do get through to labeling some things in our own minds, we suddenly can do the right things:
- see the things we can't control (because they are not our to own) and choose to trust those things to be people (or God) who needs to own them.
- realize that we need to open ourselves up to our communities (or loved ones)
- let go of the things that we need to, embrace and dwell on the things that matter

Getting to that moment when we let go requires understanding of ourselves, and that only comes through wrestling with what really matters to you. When we do that, there is peace, rest, joy that we can experience there. We are no longer defined by the brokeness of the things we cannot control.

I'm perhaps overstating the obvious, but it almost seems magical how so much pain gives way to clarity and freedom. No, I'm not overstating it. That is magical.

My Dad built 'The best fort ever'

My Dad built us the best fort ever. I remember coming home one day to find a huge 2x4 skeleton lying in the back yard, and watched as a group of men showed up to pull on ropes in the trees and lift the best fort ever up.

It had 5 levels:
- the dungeon, accessed via the trap door in the entrance level.
- the entrance level, with the ladder up the wall
- my level, where I and my friends sleept on sleep over nights
- John's level, with the balcony that opened up
- the roof observation level with the railing

From the rooftop, you could see over the roof of our split level house to the road in front.

Absolutely the best fort ever!

The terror of dying

(A follow up to my last post written on the plane)

When I came out to my office this morning, it had frozen over night and so I needed to make a fire in my wood stove to warm things up. I was once again faced with death as I found a little sparrow had fallen down the chimney, while I was away in Vancouver seeing my Dad.

Unable to to escape back up, it had made it through the flu system and into the firebox, where it was able to see the office windows through the glass wood stove door. The poor thing was able to see the sunlight, trees and freedom, but was trapped in an iron prison, full of ashes from the last fire.

I could tell it had fought to get up the chimney: there was soot from the pipes blown out from the joint at the top of the stove. But unable to spread it's wings in the six inch pipe, it must have had to give up and try to find another way out. Or perhaps it was exhausted or injured, as it struggled. Inside he might have felt forced to choose the only path available, and followed the smell of fresh air coming from the damper, until he made his way through to the firebox.

I'm not even sure how he made any progress out of the pipe and into the firebox, given there is no clear path, or open hole. He must have struggled, terrified and clueless to the right way to go. Feeling his way along.

Inside the firebox, there was a lot of evidence of the ashes that had been blown around as he desperately tried to escape. The outside was right over there! He could see it through the glass door, not even 10 feet away. He had made it through the dark pipes, just one more impossible obstacle, and freedom!

I can't imagine the desperation: trapped, confused. Why did he even chose to go that way in the first place? Seemed like a good idea, I guess. With no idea of the consequences, he was now a prisoner in a dark, lonely place he never bargained for. How unfair is that? It is unfair, isn't it?

I hope he understands that I feel the tragedy of this all. I think it's unfair, yet God gave him, and us all, the freedom to get hurt as we fight forces none of use understand when we start out. Why does it have to be so hard?

Somehow, I hope he knows that I understand at least a bit, even though we're so different. Perhaps he does, somehow. I will never know.

How do you avoid a wasted life?

Visiting my father this weekend brought the topic up. He is, unfortunately, quite sick to the point of spending most of the time just resting, in pain, looking forward to a simple meal at the seniors residence. That's it.

He rather surprised me when he emphatically told me how guilty he was of not spending more time with family, and instead wasting time doing a job he wasn't suited for.

A) He took care of the needs of our family, quite well. That counts.
B) He's always been quite clear in choosing what he wanted to do, and did it.
C) It probably is not fair to yourself to question you life, at a time like this.

I can see the fact that we choose things that we wish we did different when we get to the consequences later. Hind sight is 20/20. We all want our cake and to eat it too. Perhaps we generally favor the short term though, and down play the cost for later, since consequences are a long time in the future?

I guess I'm wondering why we don't take the bigger picture more seriously. You are going to have to pay: at some point. Do you really want to defer that to the end of your life? Under the best circumstances, with failing health everything is very stress full, confusing and slightly addled. It really is not the time to decide pay the price of regretful decisions.

So decide everyday, what matters, and choose that, whatever the cost. Don't play games with yourself, and others. If you are not sure what it is you might regret then, you really should work on that, or it's gonna get messy. To achieve peace, you will have to own and accept your choices, including the ones you avoided.

That will certainly add to life and liveliness now and later, you will become more consistent as a person, and not have to live with regret and guilt.

Can sadness be good?

Is there a good kind of sadness??

My brother John, sister in law Jocelyn, niece Nicole and nephew Ben just left after a week of fun and activity. It was a great time. Train rides, lots of food I had fun cooking, adventures on the prairies, a rodeo and even replacing our back door and working on the man cave with some great timbers John and I bought from a sawmill. Mike, Jeanette and Rachael even joined in!! Man! A busy week, but full of laughter and memories. The kids had a great time playing. John and I laughed ourselves silly as we tore a large hole in the house, and put up some very manly timbers.

They just pulled out, back off on their long way home. People crying and it feels like half of the crew just left leaving a very large vacuum. We're all at loose ends now: no one sure what to do, lots clean up to do, projects to get too and deathly quiet. Is this what parents go through all the time with an empty nest? How on earth is this supposed to be good?

It really sucks, that they had to go. But parties have to come to an end.

Maybe feeling really sad helps you to realize how great it all was. It must be selfish, somehow, because there is no reason to feel bad. I had a years worth of fun, my major 'on vaccation' reno goals have already been met and exceeded, and I even have time left over to start moping up details that are left over. A great vacation, already. Let's face it, to keep that up for another week would probably leave me in the hospital from either exhaustion, some other kind of poisoning or crushed by having a rough sawn timber landing on me as I feel off a ladder laughing too hard.

No, this kind of sadness from deep inside points to how great community can be as people choose to care for each other, and be cared about. There is a good bit of risk of the unknown mixed in there too as people have to figure out how we're going to get along, which could have gone bad. We're family after all! But there wasn't anything bad, and now a deep hole which makes a guy realize just how huge a good time can really be.

Life and community is great. Although the sadness stings, and will for a while, it feels really sweet. And that's the kinds of sweetness in life that money can't buy.

Coals getting ready for aged tenderloin

Adds life and liveliness: oh yeah......... I don't think anyone can dispute that!

This is really neat...

This java app digs through an RSS feed, and assembles a composite image. Check out the blog as a composite image from http://wordle.net/

The destructiveness of fear

As Mike has articulated:

The reality of life is suffering.
The reaction to suffering is fear.
The response to fear is the choice to either trust or control.
The effect of control is to propagate suffering.
The result of trust is transformation.
The mechanism of transformation is death.
The opportunity of death is resurrection.
The outcome of resurrection is true life.

Fear is a crippling problem we all deal with, and most of us (dare I say we
all?) don't even know we are reacting in fear to events. When we do, the
life robbing dominoes quickly begin to fall. Worse yet, we don't just rob
ourselves of life and liveliness, the effects propagate and start robbing
life and liveliness from everyone around us.

Parents that live with fear teach their kids that fearing is normal.
Children learn to unconsciously accept fear, and it is normal to fear. They
begin to define how they are going to live our their entire lives based on
fear.

Corporations that fear create cultures at work that then operate on fear.
Decisions are made accepting fear that ultimately affect how staff are
treated and limited in success and liveliness due to the fear that the
company has accepted. Worse, many companies propagate fear in a way to
control staff and customers, defining what is accepted and using fear to
maximize their sales.

My Dad is visiting right now (pictured), and it occurs to me that one of the great
things my father did for me as a kid, was to live fearless. Sure, you can
poke holes into things that happened and find failures: he's only human.
I'm sure some would say that there are consequences to living fearless, and
they would be right. If you own your life and fears, you force others to
deal with their own anxieties.

But I credit my father with giving me a sense of fearlessness that has
helped me. Yet, when I get all balled up and take the time to sort out why
I'm whacked out, you can always trace issues back to fear, and my lack of
control over something that I simply cannot control.

Many would also say that we have to accept and deal with some fears. Fear
is valid! Well no, being sensible by weighing fears and making good
decisions is really a lot of effort, but is what we have to do. Once you
sort out what you need to own, make your own choices for what you want, then
the fear is gone. You choose, and liveliness abounds. Fear, and trusting
God cannot coexist, without taking away your trust in God. Why would we do
that?

I would suggest that if you believe that fear is OK, you are not free. And
you disagree with Christ.

John 8:36 (New International Version)
36 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

ADDED NOTE:

Just a note on the consequences of avoiding dealing with fear.

It occurs to me that we only have 2 choices here: ignore self awareness about the subconscious fears that define you, or a *LOT* of hard word to begin to understand how fear defines you.

By choosing the former, you cannot care fully for those around you, and must protect yourself and withdraw. You end up isolated and in a position of hardening yourself to the hurt you inflict on others.

The later is a lot of work, but is where you enable meaningful relationships with others and genuinely are able to care about them.

What if there is proof that Jesus was the Jewish messiah?

I think it's fair to say that most Church going Christians understand something of the Jewish history, as least as far as the Old Testament goes, and the tension that Christ, or the Messiah brought. I think most people understand that at the time of Christ, the Jewish people were looking for their Messiah to come. Christ's coming was foretold in the old testament which was studied as a core part of the culture and recognized to be coming, prompting the wise men to visit Christ at his birth. I think it's fair to say that 'the coming Messiah' was pretty much common knowledge.

I've heard it explained that under the oppression of the Romans many Jewish faithful were focused on (doomed to fail) incremental political change and were simply wanting to be freed from political oppression. That of course is a huge misunderstanding of what Christ was trying to do. Christ wasn't here to control, he was here to give his life away. I've even heard it suggested that Judas' motivation for betrayal might have been to spur on Christ to make His move to politically set the Jewish people free. Ooops.

If Jesus really was the Messiah, why did the people of the day have such a hard time changing gears and ended up 'missing it'? I'm afraid it's just the same struggle that we all face: It's just really hard for anyone to realize that things around you don't need to change: what needs to change is inside us.

I would be fascinated to read about anyone in the Jewish community that has wrestled with this and wondered in retrospect if Christ was it. With all the weight of 2000 years of Jewish tradition, this would be very hard to even contemplate, perhaps not even possible if for no other reason than there is no hard proof documentation linking Jesus Christ to the long awaited Messiah.

Until now, perhaps.

A tablet said to date back to the first century BC could redefine links between the Christian and Jewish religions by predicting a messiah who would rise again after three days.

Israel Knohl, a biblical studies professor at Jerusalem's Hebrew University, said his interpretation of the Hebrew text on the tablet could "overturn the vision we have of the historic personality of Jesus" Christ.

"This text could be the missing link between Judaism and Christianity in so far as it roots the Christian belief in the resurrection of the messiah in Jewish tradition," he told AFP.

The amazing thing here is the fact that the text pre-dates Christ, but clearly points out the 3 days of death then resurrection. Historically, there is nothing directly linking Jesus as the Messiah, other than Christ's claims and the witness of others, which is has been discounted. This text as part of the Jewish tradition links the messiah with 3 days of death and resurrection before Jesus comes. Wow.

Why doesn't Robert Mugabe just end it and let Zimbabwe go?

Simple answer? He can't now.

The BBC's foreign affairs analyst Allan Little gives some important data points here.

Mike also noted 'The effect of control is to propagate suffering.'

The people that have helped Robert Mugabe's 'Liberation' and massed huge fortunes over war and theft are now stuck with the inertia of their crimes. They can't let Mr Mugabe 'retire with dignity' as they will be held to account for their plundering. The only protection they have is to stay in power, and they do that by keeping the people full of fear.

That is why it all keeps escalating: the leadership has to be more brutal to keep the fear greater than the people can risk confronting. Each turn requires more force, more control. Mugabe is now caught up in the machine he has created. Even if he wakes up tomorrow and decides it's time to change, and let go, he can't without his own partners tearing him limb from limb.

He took control for the sake of 'liberation from colonial powers', but in the end now he has used control for his own good which has propagated suffering out to a whole country. Now it's coming back on him.

What *can* he do then? The choice he has, is the same choice we all make every day. He can choose more control (more killing, more fear), or choose to trust (some level of self awareness to let go of control and entitlement). Huge consequences either way, but the effects are of his own making.

The real question: Is Mr. Mugabe out of things left to control and manipulate?

Has God make us for a purpose?

If we believe we are made for a purpose, how do we figure that out? I think a lot of people are honestly trying to understand what God wants them to do, and others find an excuse to judge because they believe they know what God is telling them to do.

Psalm 37:4 is an oft quoted verse: 'Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.' NASB

So is it the things we should want, that are given? One could say that as we learn what abiding is and choose to want to abide. Or is that the things we think we are entitled to? Well, obviously not on my blog.

I think it's even more though. I think there is our purpose, what gives us joy as we do what we love, that is encoded in us from our soul, our genes, our growing years, our parents and friends, that comes to define who we are. I don't think we can intellectually understand our 'desires' then without a good dose of subjectivity. It's not going to be on a memo from above. As we learn to trust, we are forced to be open up and be self aware of what we are doing, what we are responsible for, and maybe most importantly, what we aren't. We are then able to choose more and more what we will do.

As we choose to do the things that add life and liveliness to our daily lives, and the lives of others, we are abiding, which means we end up defining for ourselves what our purpose is going to be.

Doesn't that mean that God didn't make us for a purpose? No, it means that God is involved in every moment of your journey, to understand your purpose.

Where does the Church fail? Since Jesus isn't here to tell us what to do, should the church?

I heard an interesting interview on the BBC. You can get the podcast here:

Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor is interviewed by Carrie Gracie and introduced as being on the front line of the Pope's campaign to bring secular Europe back to God. Carrie Gracie asks Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor, President of the Bishop's Conference, for his views on contemporary Europe and Christianity.

In his opening statements, the cardinal positions the church as having a vital role in ordering, controlling, defining how life ought to be lived. In fact he says,

Carrie Gracie: What do you think Jesus Christ would make of contemporary Europe?

Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor: I think what he would make of contemporary Europe is probably what I would make of contemporary Europe, or Pope Benedict, namely, it's a place where the voice of Religion, and the voice of faith communities needs to be heard, and there needs to be a space in all the communities and people of Europe hear this voice which is good news, and why we say, you know, this is a Secular continent, Europe, my instinct and understanding is there are a large number of people that really want to hear this voice.

Carrie Gracie: And you say the message is Good News, just very briefly, what is the message?

Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor: Well, the message quite simply is that, the God of Jesus Christ, exists, He is a personal God who loves us, who accepts us, who forgives us, and who has communicated the way we ought to live in order, to live according to what He's made us for by his son Jesus Christ, that's the Good News, and because of that, we have hope and meaning in our lives.

Carrie Gracie: And just sticking with the idea of Jesus Christ and what He would make of things, which of the Christian churches do you think he would feel most at home in, I mean you were talking about faith communities, is there a particular one where Jesus Christ would feel comfortable?

Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor: [polite chuckle]

I think that all Christians, I'm talking particularly about Christians now, would feel that they are being Jesus Christ for the world and particularly the Catholic church would say it continues the teaching and promoting the way and the life of Jesus Christ in our world today, so I think the Catholic church has a particular role, as it were being Christ in our world today.

It's seems that the Cardinal would define the Church as having an authoritarian position in our lives to tell us what to do. Could he really be saying that? Someone please explain to me how that possibly can be correct, because I just can't see that being correct. In fact, I see all the religious conflict and strife as a direct result of that. Who's right? The Christians? The Muslims? How is this not flaming the flames of anger, and stealing life and liveliness in the name of the Good News?

If we define religion as the rules of faith, then that would explain why many (including me) react to 'all the rules'. It's unbelievable to me, but I really do think the Cardinal is on a mission to put Europe under the control of the church, so Europe can hear the Good News. But isn't that somehow completely backward? How can you teach people to trust, in a system of rules? Is there any doubt why Europe is fleeing in droves?

I don't think you can talk about being 'inclusive' and 'tolerrant' while you say that the Christian Religion is the answer. It's just rules, that may be helpful to some to point to truth, but rules to discard as soon as it thinks it's right, justified, in authority, the answer or replacing Christ himself. I think that perhaps is the first clue that something is amiss.

Mr. Mugabe dares God. Will God intervene? Similarities between Canada, Zimbabwe, and Kosovo

Being Canadian, I am a bit familiar with the problem of part of country wanting to secede. Now without starting the debate, and being obviously biased as living in the western part of Canada (AKA the very non-french part of Canada), I think it's fair to say it's mostly a political lobbyist drive that has largely failed, and not the burning desire of most of the people of Quebec themselves. I'll even go further, and since I see it as a political drive, I'll even say it's a political campaign of FUD (fear, uncertainty and doubt) which tried to scare people from a French background into 'getting something they were entitled to'.

Everyone is good at fighting for what they believe in. The politically correct question now is 'How do we all get along'. Unfortunately I think is that some would choose to rather die, than get along. The question may be when do you pull the plug on the people that hang on to entitlement? At some point, you just can't work with someone that won't just let go. I think God is active and interested, but letting us choose and I don't see why he needs to take control here. It's up to us.

When it comes to a group seceding from the mother ship, how many countries secede from where they are based on something people believe they are entitled too? And in certainly some cases, freedom from persecution and oppression of any sort would be good things to believe your are entitled to and worth a revolution to achieve. As always, it seems that motivation is key to understanding one's quest to get what we're entitled to. God lets us struggle with this. God wants us to choose.

In the Quebec political struggle for separation, some French people believe their language and culture are being 'persecuted or oppressed' as they must belong to a different set of Canadian rules. They probably have a point: just like every thing that is there in the beginning, is lost over time to new empires, new ideas and new needs. I honestly believe that the rest of Canada really tries to accommodate and included as much as possible. And one must appreciate how tenacious some are to keep up the pressure. But as they fight, one has to wonder about the indigenous peoples they displaced. Can they fight for entitlement to preserve something that violates the preservation of what was before it? I've heard Canadians say, 'Go for it. Take your share of the debt, get your own military, and build your own country.' Staying together is better if we can work together, but separation would be preferable to a dysfunctional relationship. God wants us to choose life and liveliness, and sometimes one has to just let go and be ready to support someone wanting to go their own way.

And what of Kosovo?
A long history going back to the first century BC and the Dardani tribes. We've got different ethic groups, and political groups and religious groups all fighting for control. I have to believe that each group is fighting for it's own entitlements. Some probably relate to 'historical homeland', some to culture and language, and probably everyone is right to some degree or another. How on earth do you sort this one out?

Funny enough, from what I see in the BBC news, Serbia is unhappy having a chunk of it leave, presumably because they loose some sort of control, but historically anyway Kosovo has a chance of moving forward if they all now put their entitlements to death as they form the 'Republic of Kosovo'. Various world governments, including Canada, have offered their support to the disdain of Serbian Canadians.

Dusan Batakovic, Servia's ambassador to Canada had this to say:

He said the decision sets a "dangerous precedent" for sovereignty movements around the world, including Spain, Russia, India, as well as within Canada.

"Can you imagine, for instance, if the Quebec parliament declared its unilateral independence the same way the Kosovo parliament did? Would they recognize, in Ottawa, Quebec as an independent country or not?" he asked.

Not surprisingly, the political French body interested in separation from Canada praised Kosovo's move.

"Canada is recognizing a country, a new country, although the country it was part of disagreed," Turp said. "That is something that is new. We're happy that that has happened."


I guess Mr. Turp is saying that if the Canadian military slaughter ethnic French people, they then have a right to separate? I would agree with him on that.


That brings us to Zimbabwe.
President Robert Mugabe said Friday that "only God" could remove him from office

Here's a country poised for all the ingredients of slaughter, at the entitlement of one man. No religious excuses, no homeland issues, just one guy entailed to it control and servitude of those that get in bed with him. I say you can't work with this guy. Motivation wise he's serving himself. Please someone tell me why anyone should work with him. I believe God is active and cares. I'd be very worried if I was Mr. Mugabe that God just might agree.

Trust vs Control as a parent: What teaches a kid?

Here's an interesting story:

A father plans to appeal after a Quebec court ruled that he didn't have the right to punish his 12-year-old daughter by barring her from a school trip

Obviously I don't know the whole story here, and this is not an attempt to judge. All of us parents need to do our own thing, in our own style, and in our own way. I would suggest however, that all us parents need to keep the end point in mind.

I had a very interesting moment this am as my 11 year old spoke up as I entered the room and said, 'Dad, you're good at making decisions, and I need some help deciding what to do'. He was trying to weigh options regarding taking a school field trip, or stay at school and work quietly on other projects.

Really, I don't care if he takes the trip to the badlands, or if he pursues other things. I'm thrilled as a father that he is in a spot, he's torn between various options and issues, and wrestles with his particular personality as he decides what is important. What were the issues? For him, choosing one means one is left behind. There is potential gains doing the trip, but massive risks on being trapped on a school bus for 4 plus hours. There is safety in peace and quiet, and doing more intellectual pursuits on his own.

I'm proud as a peach that he is owning the choices, owning the consequences and the decision, and had a load of tools to suggest to help evaluate what we know, to ask a couple of key questions that helped produce a clear decision.

Man, this kind of stuff isn't bad, it's the key. I want my kids to own decisions, and thrilled to be included as a friend, partner, trusted resource to come along side and help process. My best dad day yet.

There was a clear option to 'help' by telling him what to do, and controling the options. But what does that ultimately teach?

Oh, and he decided to stay.

Transformation requires death

Mike has an excellent post on Change vs Transformation

But I think it's worth a post to note that if we really want something new, something better, to finally break free and make it, we need Transformation not Change. And for Transformation to occur, something has to die.

Maybe it's pride that dies, as we choose to admit someone else was right.
Maybe it's a plant or animal as we need food to become energy and keep us alive.
Maybe it's a business decision to sacrifice one exploitable market, to see what new opportunities exist as we include the world.

If we look at everything we do as a zero-sum game, this is terrifying. Because as something dies, there is less to work with and have. Are all our fears tied back to looking at friends, family and life from a perspective of a zero-sum game? If there is really on so much, we have to fight and hoard to get as much as we can.

From my perspective, God is not about a zero-sum game at all. There aren't only X number of seats available on that final train home. He loves us all, there is no special club. We are all welcome. To deal with our separation, we must choose to let go of that which is broken, in order to abide with the Him. But we are free to choose to be a part of the abundance he provides, or to choose what is limited. The transformation that brings us into God's abundance is the death of our hold on hoarding the things around us.

China vs the Dalai Lama: a battle of integrity?

I found this quote here:

The Dalai Lama is quoted as saying:

"Actually as far as social economy goes, I'm a Marxist. I am more red than the Chinese leaders, who seem to be only concerned with money. In Marxist theory there is a concern with the equal distribution of wealth. So this has a moral principle which capitalist theory doesn't," he said.

"I don't agree with the authoritarian side. Authoritarianism has ruined Marxism," The Australian quoted him, as saying.

I'm not a big fan of the Dalai Lama by any means, but you have to take a moment and be honest here. He has a good point. Is the Chinese government/communist party officials faithful at re-distributing wealth? Are all animals equal? Or are some a little more equal than others? (Thanks Mr. Orwell)

I really wish I knew someone that supported the way the Chinese political system worked, and could ask them about this. Anyone know someone that lives in N. America and supports how things run in China? How can anyone support a government with a stated goal of equality, that isn't equal themselves, personally, first?

I can certainly understand why the leadership may be embarrassed by someone asking questions like that. And what entitles them to be angry and entitled?

Does God trust us? Are we really free?

I put a comment in a friend's blog (http://blog.stevelowe.org) that God trusts us. He doesn't show up and give to-do lists, send emails, write on walls, etc. I guess some say they talk to God conversationally, which of course I cannot judge. But for the most part, I think collectively we can agree there is no direct memos from God.

Yet, some will say that God eiher doesn't exist or does control it all. If you choose either of these you do not believe you are free. You have to decide for yourself in order to be free. And even if God is absent or pulling strings, death camp survivors have taught us that you always have the choice of what you will do and believe. You can never claim to continually be someone's victim.

The fact is that God chooses to trust us, not control us. Even though we are bound to mess up, flounder along, waste time, resources and tons of energy being really busy. Yet he waits, in moments, trusting us to a fault, that we will realize that we want to choose to trust God.

Does Hillary Clinton really believe in democracy?

Perhaps I will again show my Canadian ignorance, or worse my bad form,
but I'm shocked that Hillary Clinton is fighting to change the
Democratic National Conventions rules.

She's a fighter, that is good, and she is even better as an underdog.
And as a fighter you never say 'uncle'. So I expect politicians to be
nasty and cut throat if required.

So it is par for the course that Hillary wants to change the rules, she
agreed to at the start of this process to gain an advantage, since she's down.

What is surprising, is that there is no out pour of disgust at Hillary
trying to change a democratic system. She might say she is fighting
for the democratic votes of FL and MI, but they, failed to follow
the rules. They freely self selected themselves out by not following the rules! It is suspect
that she is anything other than a neutral observer.

How is it that anyone could agree that Hillary can choose to take away
trust in a system to serve her needs? Is someone out there alarmed by
this? Is this what presidents should do?

It is hard to choose when to trust and when to control, but something
here is somehow entitled above the system. Which seems frightening to
me, and even more so when it's understandable to many or not ringing
alarm bells in a country built on democracy and freedom to choose your
representatives.

Http://news.bbc.co.uk/mobile/bbc_news/top_stories/742/74289/story7428909.shtml?

Abundance Model, versus the proprietary one

We are trying to build and launch donor.com with the abundance model. But what is it, and how does it apply?

For us, it's simple. Let's provide non-profits with the best fund raising software and services anywhere, and let's do that at the lowest cost possible so they save their money for their mission.

How is that different from a proprietary model? One could still meet the goal above by hiding the source code, get some MBA's in to look at cash centers and make exclusive agreements to make the software widely available and the best for non-profits everywhere and still make a lot of money that you can then put into the marketing and other 'good works' that one would deem worthy.

Yes that could work. But it includes exclusive deals, controlling source code, building a traditional software and service organization that seeks to make the profit first, and then relies on 'good intentions' to push it out farther. That is good capitalism, but is it really the best model?

What happens if we choose to be inclusive, not exclusive. What happens if we use a foundation as an owner so all the profits go into something that has as it's purpose to push prices down while it improves the product.

Christ didn't make strategic deals, start a denomination, and make an exclusive club that only the approved could belong to. In short, Christ didn't make anything subject to rules, proprietary information or otherwise. For salvation to work, all that is required is trust, expressed as faith in Christ.

We provide a product and service, which we need to charge for in order to make a profit. I think that is good business. But when the profits are used to control our future, secure our position, evaluate who we include and exclude we are in danger of serving ourselves: not our clients.

So is the abundance model workable in business? I think Google says yes. Are we idealistic and headed for trouble? I'd love to hear an argument that says we are. I can't imagine what argument can show how we are entitled to large profits off the donations of non profits. I think anyone in non profit work should be putting the non profits first.

The proprietary model is all about incremental change. Abundance is all about transformation. For transformation to occur, something has to die. For donor.com, the thing that has to die is our control of the profit.

How do you solve the crisis in Zimbabwe?

I don't think *anyone* outside of Zimbabwe would defend Robert Mugabe as 'doing the right thing'. Far too many shady things going on, not to mention people being killed and others starving. I'd be interested to find out if there anyone who wants to try and defend the man. The first question is what do you personally gain?

If you're brave, ask someone if they are evil. The bible says we (the whole world) are. Do you believe that? Do you believe you are as evil as Robert Mugabe?

It's the pivitol perspective that drives everything else we think, act on, understand and governs all that we do. It's foundational to every crisis. The question is not if you're better than him, the question is if you are owning the things you are responsible for.

The Bible starts off will a big wide angle look at where it all started in creation. Then the story starts with a profound picture of the most important thing: brokeness, sin, human evil: whatever you want to call it. From there, it pretty much becomes ways to hide it, avoid it or blame it on someone else.

It's so easy to avoid responsibility. We sometimes don't have to try. Heck, sometimes it's obvious that others are to blame, and we have to work *really* hard to articulate our role in what is broken. Of course, bad things *do* happen to us, and we are victims of other people's pain. But that is never an excuse for us to keep *being* a victim and blaming them. At some point, it's our responsibility to own the pain. Yes, that is not fair that someone can cause pain, that we now have to accept. That is just a fact of life.

Sometimes everything can be broken around us, and we are just stuck there. That is the moment to understand how broken we are too, and reach out in community with those around us to be a part of a better tomorrow. Not judgemental as some kind of self appointed Jesus.

Sometimes the pain is clearly being caused by someone else, and you are 'innocent' as you stand by unscathed. Hmmmmm, can we really call that innocent?

Sometimes we enjoy the bliss of the honeymoon, when we embark on something new because we're gaining something we want. We're in bliss until our own selfishness (aka: evil broken nature) creeps up on us and the honeymoon is over because we are faced with all the things we thought we were entitled to that isn't really working out the way we want.

But perhaps the scariest of all is the notion that 'I'm absolutely right and I need to inflict change on you for you to be happy' as some superior position. As Scott and I talked about, as soon as you think your position is absolutely solid, correct and justifiable, it's certainly going sideways: you just don't know it yet. This is only possible if you think you're really smart, and not as messed up as someone else. Religious conflict (muslim vs christian, war on Iraq, communist vs capitalist) all fall into this category. Sure there are some things better than others, and someone has to lead and choose. And sometimes revolution is required.

The cycle of pain from crisis will continue until responsibility is taken.

My homage to 'Eat Local Food'

Alan did a whole series on eating local in Hawaii, where he lives. Day 6 was quite tasty, although it cost considerably more and a bit of a trick finding bamboo in Olds or Didsbury Alberta.

The local farmers around here have what amounts to a similar problem, in that we rely on food from everywhere else too. We're further ahead I guess in that Hawaii has such a dependence on goods shipped from the mainland and we don't. But recent border closures due to Mad Cow disease have clearly demonstrated how fragile things can be for us as well here in Alberta.

I was over visiting my lamb farmer friend, and it's getting harder and harder to make a profit raising lamb for market. The cost of barley rising, bales of hay doubling, transportation, cutting costs, it's difficult for everyone.

I for one will proudly support my local farmer! In fact, this little guy is making me hungry now! I can't wait for the fall and some fresh lamb. Mmmmmmmmmmm I'm happy to pay whatever Craig needs to be 'on the list'.

Passport renewal advice

I went to get my passport renewed today, and wound up needing new pictures. Apparently, the my background wasn't white enough in my Walmart pictures. That'll teach me.

I found a little 'hole in the wall' store run in downtown Calgary by a Chinese lady to take my new passport photo. She had the Chinese radio station blaring and ran around as cute as a button fixing my collar, adjusting lights, telling me I'm handsome and powdering my face with make-up. She worked hard for her $12!

Not to mention the priceless advice from the till! Valid in any language....

Lamb is magical and restorative

I can't prove any of this, but I think a dinner of lamb and red wine has magical restorative powers. Just as many miss the wonders of curry from Asia, we also fail to discover everything that is great about lamb dishes from the Middle East. So a dinner of marinated and charcoal grilled Alberta rack of lamb on a bed of roasted winter vegetables is a staple around here. The hearty lamb, the woodfire in the 'Man Cave'.... Very restorative.

The lamb comes from Big Sky Lamb which is about 3 miles from my house. Craig comes by and delivers me a custom cut lamb. That's my version of eating local! Maybe this summer I'll ask for one whole!

After a little adventure and appetizer of Chao Tom (thanks Alan!), I made good use of the charcoal that was still burning and put on the lamb racks for dinner. Any kind of lamb is fantastic with this marinade, but the addition of some mint sauce, and the combination on flavors and roasted caramelized goodness with the vegetables is simply stellar.

MARINADE:
a cup of red wine (just use the box stuff eh?)
a good whack of of oregano
juice and pulp of half a lemon
just a dash of salt (don't overdue this)
pepper
1/4 to 1/3 cup of olive oil
4 or 5 cloves of garlic, smashed
Any kind of lamb can work here. whole leg, cubes, chops, whatever.

ROAST WINTER VEGGIES
1 lb of little nugget potatoes, cleaned
some carrots (I like the little ready to eat ones you buy for your kids)
1 rutabaga peeled and cut into cubes
1 fennel (anise) bulb trimmed and cut into chunks
1 large sweet onion cut into larger chunks
3 parsnips peeled and cut into bite size chunks
salt
pepper
1/2 cup of melted butter

I par boil the potatoes and rutabaga, then tossed it all together drizzle with the melted butter and salt and pepper. I like to line a baking sheet with parchment paper (easy clean up) and pour out the veggies into the sheet in as thin a layer as possible. Load them into a very hot oven (do you ever use 500?), and mix them a few times over the next 45 mins to get them all browning. By about the end of 45 mins you should go right to plates.

Smoked Beef Brisket: tips to help those turning 40

Sorry about the lack of some postings. I'm in my 40's now, so I'm a bit slower.

I still have no idea why that bothered me. Right now, I'm chalking it up to the convergence of several big issues: my Dad being give 6 months to live, lots of work pressure and stress, and my house needing lots of reno work.

But, I started feeling better the night I smoked a beef brisket, then had Dean, Chuck and Mike over to sit around, chat and eat beef.



SMOKED BEEF BRISKET:

First thing you need is the 'right' beef brisket. If you buy one from the store it will be all trimmed up. That is not right. You need to get a good quality one from a butcher, and get it in the vacuum pack right from the slaughter house. It should be about 12 pounds and have all the fat attached. DO NOT LET THEM TRIM THIS FOR YOU. They will wreck it. Since it's all sealed up, this can survive in the bottom of your fridge and age for weeks. Make sure it's got at LEAST 5 weeks on it. More won't hurt. Just use it as is: can't imagine what you need to cut off.

Second important thing is a good Cajun spice. I mix my own, so I control the spiceyness and the salt (ie: it's a bit more spicey than you would buy and less salty). I'd share my recipe, but then I'd have to kill you.

Third is get a bag of hickory chips. Soak them in water for a least a few hours.

Fourth is to make a mop. Given the salty spicey of the Cajun spice, this needs to be savoury and sweet. Here's roughly what I used. Heat all this up together, then emulsify it with the oil while mixing.
a bottle of beer
about double that of apple juice
500 mls of stock (I think I used chicken)
a couple tablespoons of the same Cajun spice as above
about 6-8 tablespoons of brown sugar (this needs to be on the sweeter side)
4 tablespoons of wortershire sauce
a dash of apple cider vineager
at least half a pound of butter, whipped in to the hot fluid to emulsify and thicken

Get cooking!

Time wise, you want to look at 20 hours of cooking time. This brisket was only about 9 pounds but I still cooked it for about 22 hours. You want to spend the first 8 smoking it hard (hard as in lots of hickory smoke) at no more than 225 degrees. Then wrap it up in tinfoil, place in the oven for the rest of the time at 170 degrees F. No, I don't think you can 'over do' it.

Take the brisket out and rinse and dry. Then absolutely coat, as thick as possible, the entire thing in Cajun spice. I started this at about 6pm the day before.

Next, start a batch of charcoal, and get your bag of hickory chips that you have left soaking in water. I use an offset, charcoal only, smoker. Fire up a couple batches of charcoal and get things to a good solid 225 F.

Put the meat on.

Now, for the next 8 hours, you need to keep the temperature up, while you add wet chips to make gobs of hickory smoke, and mop down the beef brisket. Of course, you don't want to let the heat out either. So you need a hotter fire, that gets cooled down with wet chips and survives mopping down the meat every hour and a half.

It is essential at this point to enjoy the plume of hickory smoke sailing up to the sky in a column of fragrant joy. Have a beer, think about all those old testament sacrifices, and ponder God enjoying the aroma and the moment. It's dark out, it's still and quiet, you're all alone with your maker, and tomorrow nights dinner. Really folks, that's church for me.

So, at the end of 8 hours, you've maybe repositioned the 'fat' end a few times, you're out of hickory chips, the meat is looking browned, and you're ready for bed. Wrap it up in tinfoil carefully! You don't want to scrap off any flavor. Double wrap it so it's really sealed, and then put it in a big pan so if it leaks you don't trash your stove.

Put it in a stove preheated to 170 degrees F, and leave it.

Pull it out an hour before serving, and let it sit on top of the stove. Cut (if you can) the now tender beef brisket across the grain, and eat with fresh buns and coleslaw.

Sorry there is no picture of the final product. I got so excited that I forgot. I guess I'll have to do another and update this......

Tomorrow I start my 40's

Looking back 10 years, when I was turning 30, I had been married for only 2 years and was the father of our fist 6 month old. I don't think 30 was a big deal because *so* much changed starting with getting married, that 30 just didn't seem like a big change at all.

I think there is a clue there. Maybe I have a sense now of 'going the distance'. I've always been one to embrace change, and really do relish new and different things when they come up. Work is demanding, doing home renovations and being a family man definitely takes a lot of energy, but it's all pretty consistent from day to day. Perhaps my fear is that 40 is all about the daily grind.

Not that any of that is bad! I really am living the dream: this is exactly what I wanted! I suspect that if I had stayed in South East Asia to live and work, the issues at hand may just be the same anyway. Perhaps just written in Thai.

I've come a long way, and accomplished much. I think I have done well at keeping going. Yet the irony is that I also am finding limits to what I can do and how much I can do. Perhaps the pain right now is from feeling my finite limits and realizing there is a lot that I just cannot do.

Maybe it's all about learning to remember that 'God is soverign, and all powerful and actively involved in my life today'. Maybe I'm realizing how much God wants to be with me in every moment, and instead of doing more it's all about living more in the moments.

Maybe the pain is all about realizing the moment is critical, and that pain is God's birthday gift to me.

Dead Ringer

My brother in law Kenton opened the paper the other day and stumbled accross my obituary. Well, luckily it wasn't me, but is this guy a dead ringer or what? Did I find my double? Do you know where yours is and what he/she is up to?

Pic of me for comparison

From the Three Hills Capital, published January 16, 2008
Daniel Vert
Born: August 2, 1960
Died: December 17, 2007

Sounds like a good guy. I wonder if I should pay the family a visit. Perhaps a little visit from Daniel in the after life? Hehe. :)

God does care that we learn to trust

To explain my last post a bit more, God is actively with us in times of pain and cares deeply for us as individuals. It's just the kind of pain that maybe doesn't matter.

I labeled a point of pain as aging, but there can be all sorts of different points of pain that we feel. I don't think my real issue is a particular age, but that there are many things that I feel that I need to control, and have reached a point of overload where I need to focus on what I need to, and trust other issues to God.

Ironically it is in that moment and on that issue that God wants to transform us. He wants to be active in our lives right at that time that we need Him.

The actual point of pain is somewhat irrelevant compared to how we respond. We have to learn about ourselves in that moment and how we feel a lack of control over the issue at hand. We need to realize what specifically it is that we think should be easier. Or perhaps what we're entitled too. Then we can decide what it is that we need to get done in our lives, which is how we grow as people. We need to come to understand the things we need to take care of and then trust the rest to God. As those control and entitlement issues die, God is able to transform us.

When we see someone unshaken by a horrible assault of pain and able to remain at peace with God, we usually call them a saint. We all want to have the peace and joy of a saint, we just don't want to have to go through the gut wrenching trials that makes a saint. Saints are made by becoming aware of how broken and human they really are and figure out how they need to trust God.

Or said differently, perhaps the saint is the person that faces life's pain square on. Knowing that untold pain is coming, but understands it is a fact that they must face it as an opportunity to trust more. Maybe that's how those people are able to put aside their own issues, and be a help to others.

Sure, we can feel ripped off that God doesn't age, and he isn't lacking for money, and is more powerful than anything that can happen in our realm of knowledge. We can feel like it's easy for him, and we're the victims. It's not fair. This is why people try to help us by reminding us that there are other people that have far less than we do. Emily and I watched a BBC program a couple days ago about girls in Ethiopia. An estimated 40% of Ethiopian girls are wed off before the age of 12. Forced into a life where they do not have a chance to choose to seek their dreams of education, opportunity or anything else. They are forced into a life of serving the needs of the man that 'owns' them. That happens today. Even to girls as young as 5. Who reading this can say they have it worse than that?

Perhaps God seemingly doesn't care about one issue that we have identified because it's us that are hyper focusing on a single point of pain. It's us that feel like this one thing is the end of the world. Perhaps that's a good thing, because if we all realized all the pain in the world from the Gaza strip to the homeless in Alberta, we'd just crumble. But it is a human failing to be distracted from all of that to worry about a birthday.

I feel embarrassed to even mention things I would consider pain. My issues are so minor compared to so many. I have it so good to so many people I've seen and lived with all over the world. The really amazing thing is how God spares my life even though I'm spoiled and whine.

I think this is why the kind of pain is irrelevant. I think we're all faced with pain. How can you measure which person's pain is worse? Pain is simply a necessary function to teach us to understand ourselves, understand what it is that we do, be good stewards of that which we need to control, and otherwise learn to trust.

Something God doesn't care about

I don't think that God cares that I'm turning 40 in just a few weeks.

First off, God is timeless, so what does that even mean to him? I'm sure he can conceive of someone turning 40, but there is no significance to him of 40 years of anything. In fact, I think the Bible supports that.

That begs the question of why do I care. I sure am thinking about it a lot. I think there is a bunch of measuring, reflecting, contemplating and such going on in my head. But again, those are all *my* issues. God doesn't have those issues, and supposedly He's already provided a solution.

I want to be spoiled and not have to deal with the pain of all of that reflection. All of those emotional issues related to pain about time moving on, things I haven't done yet, things I'll never get to do at this point. Wow, I really think I could wallow in all that.

I think life has pain so we choose to trust. I think God cares what we choose to do about pain. I don't think God cares very much about where the pain comes from.

If Mike is right:

The reality of life is suffering.
The reaction to suffering is fear.
The response to fear is either trust or control.
The effect of control is to propagate suffering.
The result of trust is transformation.
The mechanism of transformation is death.
The opportunity of death is resurrection.
The outcome of resurrection is true life.

An age milestone has got to be the a key realization of lots of emotional pain. Grappling with our emotional loose ends must result in fear, although I'm not sure that I can articulate the kinds of things that I'm fearful of. Perhaps knowing someone with cancer has fears attached? Perhaps some broken relationships produce fears? Maybe it's all those undone things at work that I fear the consequences of? If I'm all about clarity as a person, perhaps it's that I fear my life is way to messy? I'm afraid I'm failing as a person? I'm not sure but the designated response to the fear is to control it. That's why a guy in mid life crisis is supposed to go buy a sports car right? To control the situation by making ourselves feel better? Yeah. I can see that causing even more suffering for sure. I don't know about a sports car, but a trip to a beach would be nice.

So the right response is to trust. Trust that God is sovereign, all powerful and active in our world today. I need to remember that I am his child that he loves just as I am, and know that as I live my life and do what I do that there isn't anything left undone. Now that sounds really comforting. I can feel it. I don't think a sports car can deliver that.

But I'm not sure what that transforms? And what has to die... Is that my ego that has to die? I'm willing to let that go at this point. Somehow, that seems too easy.

This is going to require more beer and wings to process.

Why is change important?

For this, history provides a good clue.

Perhaps the goal and reason to change is required first, before change is effective. Needless to say a certain amount of self awareness, divine intervention, or something needs to happen for people to choose to change and reach something new. This is why doing nothing is a choice and it gets you to the goal of nothing.

Sure, changing for the sake of changing could just be a neurosis of it's own. I'm not sure which one that would be, but it boils down to some bizarre kind of control. But there needs to be a reason that gets us to where we want to go. There are times when change is not required. And times when not doing anything is the right thing to do.

The danger though with doing nothing is that you are probably just being lazy and not taking the time to look around you and ask what is working and what isn't. Worse yet, you value something else in your life that prevents you from changing. Sometimes the early warning signs are all around us, but we choose to ignore them. None of us are free from needing to observe what is changing around us, and start asking questions.

For our historical illustration, I present Douglas Haig. Born June 19 1861, born into a good (read rich) family and became 'Field Marshal Sir Douglas Haig' of the British Empire. A top leader, commanded thousands, and as all accounts seem to go, a total idiot. The quotes you can find are priceless: 'as shy as a shool-girl, and as stupid as well'.

I pick on this guy because I seek to understand how I can be a better 'field marshal'. I'm not sure what license that gives me, but I plan to use it. And one of my big questions is the role of intelligence: do field marshals have to be really smart, or are things like self awareness, a controlled ego, the ability to ask for help, and an inquisitive nature just as important?

I guess we'll never know Sir Douglas Haig's IQ score, and it's hard to guess now. I would imagine the wealthy family played a big role in getting him along, but we have to assume he's at least as smart as the average guy. From his diary, and other quotes made by him, we certainly can see how he failed to adapt.

Some quotes from here:

* There is little doubt that Haig was an idiot. In 1926, 10 years after the barbed wire and machine gun defences of the German Army had proven conclusively that the day of the Horse Cavalry was over, Haig wrote "I believe that the value of the horse and the opportunity for the horse in the future are likely to be as great as ever. Aeroplanes and tanks are only accessories to the men and the horse, and I feel sure that as time goes on you will find just as much use for the horse - the well-bred horse - as you have ever done in the past".

* This man ordered hundreds of thousands of troops, his countrymen and 'damned colonials' to attack barbed wire entanglements 40 yards, sometimes 80 yards deep, covered by well placed machine guns in concrete pill-boxes on the high ground and did so without looking at the ground before during or after the battles. He did so time and time again and when confronted with the casualty lists merely said, "The nation must be prepared to see heavy casualty lists".

* "Success in battle depends mainly on morale and determination." Haig - 1907

* "The way to capture machine guns is by grit and determination." Haig - 1915

* "The nation must be taught to bear losses. No amount of skill on the part of the higher commanders, no training, however good, on the part of the officers and men, no superiority of arms and ammunition, however great, will enable victories to be won without the sacrifice of men's lives. The nation must be prepared to see heavy casualty lists." Haig June 1916 before the battle of the Somme

I don't think anyone would argue that determination is required to 'get it done'. A clear decision to risk your life for your choices requires an all or nothing kind of whole heartedness, and if you're going to battle you better be ready to fight and die. But how bad is it to fail to recognize a change to the 'rules' of war that are changing around you? Forget field marshals being experts at recognizing the changes in the 'game' around you, this is one of those things you have to learn in kindergarten. Failing to adapt is going to hurt.

Not to mention that failing to change, in this case sending thousands to die needlessly and without purpose is mind numbingly and obviously wrong. I'm going to guess it was his ego that was more important that all those lives.

Haig failed perhaps to see that a dead man cannot advance, and that to replace him is only to provide another corpse.
E. K. G. Sixsmith, British Generalship in the Twentieth Century, 1970

Perhaps being right was more important than the lives of others. Very sad.

But then, what is up with the British army leadership? Not only did he do this at the Battle of the Somme, but then he did it *again* later at the Third Battle of the Ypres. I just can't fathom all of that.

On this date in 1809

Edgar Allan Poe is born.

I think everyone probably recognizes the name. A poet, a writer, a novelist. But probably best known for poetry like 'The Raven' ...tap tap tapping on the chamber door. A tortured soul? Is he being judged? The meaning of life?

Remembered and praised in history as a great work. Yet, a very messy life. Parents dead by 3 years old and raised by his rich grandfather. But that didn't help him achieve social standing as he didn't finish university and wasn't able to last in the military. Sounds like a good label would be 'heavy drinker' as he bounced between various writing gigs. His wife's death made it all worse, and later yet he went missing after drinking one night to be found in a gutter 3 days later. He died in hospital at the age of 40. A sad biography, but a known figure in history all the same.

Good thing I'm still in my 30's!

What I do best

I was asked what is it that I do best. Easy to answer for some (like I
fix cars) and really hard in others. I guess the easies answer is that
I like to make an things run.

I was asked once at the end of college, as I went through 'missionary
accreditation' what I would like to do. I told the President of the
Christian and Missionary Alliance who asked, that I want to run stuff.
I had high language scores and wanted to go to a field where many people
were and I'd run the field and leave the others to do their job. Free
them from the administration. I was told the Christian and Missionary
Alliance doesn't send people overseas to run stuff. I should go be a
pastor.

Easy for me now to point at that and call it short sighted. Whatever
'chain of authority' that would violate and whatever sacred cows it
would slaughter, it prevented the mission from moving ahead. I left.
Perhaps I'm flattering myself here, but why would you not want a guy
with decent marks, a knack for languages, who has traveled the world and
eager to make the mission field great not to do what it is he believes
he is best to do? I'm thinking those same people may agree with me today.

What's worse, is I could have written the above the instant after those
words were spoken. I think in some ways for years I've been believing I
just can't do that. Even though as a kid I've had a sense that I'm
built to run stuff. In some ways I've been fighting my own self doubt
still to this day. Why would anyone cast shadows that can only serve to
rob life and liveliness? Why does *anyone* accept that? Why isn't
leadership better at understanding that than me and encouraging it?

How many times have we all tried to control people, instead of our
responsibilities, and not believed the words of others to our own
detriment?

Favorite Songs: STING: When the Angels Fall

I think I should post some of my favorite songs.

Music moves us all. It's kinda fascinating how music reaches places in
people that many things just can't. A song that reaches one, is just as
irritating to someone else. You can take two people that really like
the same song, and they will love it for different reasons.

I will endeavor to post some that move me. Not to promote them, because
this blog is about me. Some will agree and I'm guessing most won't. I
post them to maybe help myself learn something in the process of trying
to answer why I like them.

Sting's Soul Cages album will have a few posts. When I listen to these
tracks, I never seem to get tired of them. Every time I listen to these
tracks I think different thoughts, I feel very different and deep
things. I would defend them all as being 'excellent' in workmanship,
skill and recording, for one reason or another. But I think mostly they
all focus on evoking a particular quality that leaves me with a sense of
touching something true.

This one embodies all that. Written at a time of Sting contemplating
his own father's life I think there are many obvious parallels here for
me (if you know me). Many would say this is a horrible song talking
about the fall of the church. I say no: Sting is taking a stand for
himself in a struggle to cast off the molds, control and even the
expectations of rules and values that belong to others. I hear the
words of someone struggling to understand their own beliefs and values,
and taking a stand for himself.

I think that makes God smile, quite frankly. God isn't afraid of people
challenging beliefs and sorting things out. I think He encourages that.

If you listen close, right at the end of the track, Sting says 'Good
Night'. It's finished, it's done, and he's good with it all. It's a
statement of acceptance. It always leaves me with a sense of freedom,
and that freedom comes out of a clear sense of choice.

"When The Angels Fall"

So high above the world tonight
The angels watch us sleeping
And underneath a bridge of stars
We dream in safety's keeping
But perhaps the dream
Is dreaming us
Soaring with the seagulls
Perhaps the dream
Is dreaming us
Astride on the backs of eagles

When the angels fall
Shadows on the wall
In the thunder's call
Something haunts us all
When the angels fall
When the angels fall

Take your father's cross
Gently from the wall
A shadow still remaining
See the churches fall
In mighty arcs of sound
And all that they're containing
Yet all the rugged souls
Looking for their lost homes
Shuffle to the ruins
From the leveled plain
To search among the tombstones

When the angels fall
Shadows on the wall
In the thunder's call
Something haunts us all

When the angels fall
When the angels fall
When the angels fall

These are my feet
These are my hands
These are my children
And this is my demand
Bring down the angels
Cast them from my sight
I never want to see
A million suns at midnight

Your hands are empty
The streets are empty
You can't control us
You can't control us anymore

When the angels fall
When the angels fall
When the angels fall
When the angels fall
When the angels fall
When the angels fall

Sushi in Banff Alberta

Mmmmmmmm. Sushi. A great sushi lunch adds life and livliness....

See the view from the Sushi Train!!!

Should Christ followers use the courts?

In a nutshell, it is important in a society with laws and rules for
everyone to observe and follow those rules so we can all get along. So
yes, this may be required. For a traffic accident, where an insurance
company is trying to avoid responsibility, I doubt this is a question.

Contracts exist to itemize responsibilities and allow people to have
mutual expectations. If expectations are un-met, then you have to get
that resolved, and perhaps a court is required as society's tool to
understand who is responsible. I'm all for sorting out expectations if
'things' happen. We have to have *some* way to resolve things.

A personal boundry understanding that somone is not allowed to hurt you
is key here. If we don't have boundaries, then it gets muddy fast. If
someone fails to own responsibility under the law of the land, don't you
almost have a responsibility to see that through? Again, it all falls
apart if we have no rule of law. If someone fails to own responsibility
under the law of the land, and you fail to define your own boundaries
properly, how are you not just a door mat for people to step on?

TO MY AMERICAN FRIENDS: Does this make me a republican? Feel free to
comment boldy. I can take it.

I *think* Tony Campolo may disagree with this. Would a 'red letter'
Christian be morally bound to turn the other cheek, at any cost, at all
times? I'd love someone to spell that out.

So a personal boundary rule that states it is OK to avoid being hurt by
people is a good thing. I think, according to the Mike scale, it's rule
#3. It adds to your life and liveliness, including others. So if we
have a boundary that states that we do not allow people to harm us, what
is OK to sue on and what isn't?

WHERE IT ALL GOES BAD:
Kids are famous for breaking the cookie in half, and giving you the
drastically smaller half. People want everything they can get. It's
called entitlement. If a kid feels entitled to a bigger piece, they get
mad when they are called on it and labled selfish.

If people feel entitled, their motivation in any action is to get
something. So if the motivation is to sort out things in context of
relationships and you are ready to accept what you are responsible for,
then you're probably good to go. If your motivation is to get
something, then perhaps a honest look at what it is you want is in order.

I don't know of anything that we can be entitled to that doesn't steal
life and livliness.

Ferry trips add liveliness

We took the ferry from Tswassen to Victoria for an overnight stay. Needless to say it was rough and pretty cold in the wind, but it was fun.

Scott's friend Ryan that he made at the gate

This guy and Scott got into quite a discussion at the gate.

Just something about the water

I'm not sure if it's good memories of a childhood playing down in the
Fraser river fishing on the docks with my buddy David, or the change of
venue from Alberta, or perhaps there just is something about a fishing
boat just sitting bobbing up and down in the river.

Very picturesque, very calm, very BC.

Fisherman's Pot

Mmmmmmmmm: lunch down at Fisherman's Warf in Steveston, overlooking the
fishing boats.

Trip to Vancouver: Plane trip

Can you remember your first plane trip? Our kids were just buzzing they
were so excited. And it was infectious. Waving at the pilots from the
gate, chatting excitedly with everyone. In fact, they were so excited I
thought they were in danger of barfing.

Here's to the sheer joy of a first plane ride.

Crown Pork Roast

Nothing adds life and liveliness like food! For New Years Eve we had this Crown Pork Roast which had apple bourbon fennel dressing, rosemary roast potatoes and I finished each slice off with a 'Apple Bourbon sauce' that I got out of Fine Cooking magazine:

- I made chicken stock the previous day
- added bourbon
- added apple cider
- added some sugar (the cider was dry)

And reduced and thickened. It was very tasty.

Bruce has to own his life

So I just got my US tax statement, and they tell me I owe $12,960 in
unpaid taxes and over $1500 in fines and penalties. When I call them to
tell them I paid that missing $13k back in April, they tell me that I
filed it with a 2007 coupon, not towards 2006. And since I filed it as
such, I would have to pay the $15k in penalties now, and expect a refund
next year. They cannot re-designated payments once ear marked.

I wanted to fight, and blame the confusing system, accountants being
late, even the fact that I'm in Canada and handicapped. But I just had
to suck it up and say:

"I made a mistake. This was my bad. Oh man, I need to fix this because
I messed it up."

Then, to my surprise she said hang on a sec. She put me on hold, and
came back quoting some loophole that suddenly allowed her to move the
money to the right place. I said thank you very much.

She also told me to:
- not trust accountants that say they know it all. You need to be aware
and make things happen that I need to happen
- tax payments due in April according to a postmark *DOES NOT* apply to
a payment only. That must be sent in and received before tax day.
- Phone up and check that they have everything, once you file. Don't
wait for a statement

Thank you very much to the IRS for the help, and the lesson.

Aid to Africa

I don't think the latest violence and election crisis in Kenya is not really a surprise to just about anyone. As a former resident of Kenya for a year, I feel like I have a bit more of an insight than someone that has never been there, and certainly have an opinion.

Foreign aid, as it is popularly discussed and utimately delivered to African nations by the UN and richer nations like the US, largely fails to make a difference. In fact, I think most of it fuels the downward spiral of African nations to the point now where countries are poorer, have more economic issues and have ended up funding military hardware that has killed many people.

Don't get me wrong: I believe in relief and development work, and feel good about things I've done. And I don't think many would disagree with me that the 'big business of relief to Africa' is so political could only fail. But I really don't hear anyone saying that. It's not politically correct.

I'm not sure how to address these issues either. But, if I were in charge, I'd start with the fact that until the African own their own lives, country, problems and stop looking outward, the aid given is bound to continue to suck the life and liveliness from the whole continent.