Something God doesn't care about

I don't think that God cares that I'm turning 40 in just a few weeks.

First off, God is timeless, so what does that even mean to him? I'm sure he can conceive of someone turning 40, but there is no significance to him of 40 years of anything. In fact, I think the Bible supports that.

That begs the question of why do I care. I sure am thinking about it a lot. I think there is a bunch of measuring, reflecting, contemplating and such going on in my head. But again, those are all *my* issues. God doesn't have those issues, and supposedly He's already provided a solution.

I want to be spoiled and not have to deal with the pain of all of that reflection. All of those emotional issues related to pain about time moving on, things I haven't done yet, things I'll never get to do at this point. Wow, I really think I could wallow in all that.

I think life has pain so we choose to trust. I think God cares what we choose to do about pain. I don't think God cares very much about where the pain comes from.

If Mike is right:

The reality of life is suffering.
The reaction to suffering is fear.
The response to fear is either trust or control.
The effect of control is to propagate suffering.
The result of trust is transformation.
The mechanism of transformation is death.
The opportunity of death is resurrection.
The outcome of resurrection is true life.

An age milestone has got to be the a key realization of lots of emotional pain. Grappling with our emotional loose ends must result in fear, although I'm not sure that I can articulate the kinds of things that I'm fearful of. Perhaps knowing someone with cancer has fears attached? Perhaps some broken relationships produce fears? Maybe it's all those undone things at work that I fear the consequences of? If I'm all about clarity as a person, perhaps it's that I fear my life is way to messy? I'm afraid I'm failing as a person? I'm not sure but the designated response to the fear is to control it. That's why a guy in mid life crisis is supposed to go buy a sports car right? To control the situation by making ourselves feel better? Yeah. I can see that causing even more suffering for sure. I don't know about a sports car, but a trip to a beach would be nice.

So the right response is to trust. Trust that God is sovereign, all powerful and active in our world today. I need to remember that I am his child that he loves just as I am, and know that as I live my life and do what I do that there isn't anything left undone. Now that sounds really comforting. I can feel it. I don't think a sports car can deliver that.

But I'm not sure what that transforms? And what has to die... Is that my ego that has to die? I'm willing to let that go at this point. Somehow, that seems too easy.

This is going to require more beer and wings to process.

Why is change important?

For this, history provides a good clue.

Perhaps the goal and reason to change is required first, before change is effective. Needless to say a certain amount of self awareness, divine intervention, or something needs to happen for people to choose to change and reach something new. This is why doing nothing is a choice and it gets you to the goal of nothing.

Sure, changing for the sake of changing could just be a neurosis of it's own. I'm not sure which one that would be, but it boils down to some bizarre kind of control. But there needs to be a reason that gets us to where we want to go. There are times when change is not required. And times when not doing anything is the right thing to do.

The danger though with doing nothing is that you are probably just being lazy and not taking the time to look around you and ask what is working and what isn't. Worse yet, you value something else in your life that prevents you from changing. Sometimes the early warning signs are all around us, but we choose to ignore them. None of us are free from needing to observe what is changing around us, and start asking questions.

For our historical illustration, I present Douglas Haig. Born June 19 1861, born into a good (read rich) family and became 'Field Marshal Sir Douglas Haig' of the British Empire. A top leader, commanded thousands, and as all accounts seem to go, a total idiot. The quotes you can find are priceless: 'as shy as a shool-girl, and as stupid as well'.

I pick on this guy because I seek to understand how I can be a better 'field marshal'. I'm not sure what license that gives me, but I plan to use it. And one of my big questions is the role of intelligence: do field marshals have to be really smart, or are things like self awareness, a controlled ego, the ability to ask for help, and an inquisitive nature just as important?

I guess we'll never know Sir Douglas Haig's IQ score, and it's hard to guess now. I would imagine the wealthy family played a big role in getting him along, but we have to assume he's at least as smart as the average guy. From his diary, and other quotes made by him, we certainly can see how he failed to adapt.

Some quotes from here:

* There is little doubt that Haig was an idiot. In 1926, 10 years after the barbed wire and machine gun defences of the German Army had proven conclusively that the day of the Horse Cavalry was over, Haig wrote "I believe that the value of the horse and the opportunity for the horse in the future are likely to be as great as ever. Aeroplanes and tanks are only accessories to the men and the horse, and I feel sure that as time goes on you will find just as much use for the horse - the well-bred horse - as you have ever done in the past".

* This man ordered hundreds of thousands of troops, his countrymen and 'damned colonials' to attack barbed wire entanglements 40 yards, sometimes 80 yards deep, covered by well placed machine guns in concrete pill-boxes on the high ground and did so without looking at the ground before during or after the battles. He did so time and time again and when confronted with the casualty lists merely said, "The nation must be prepared to see heavy casualty lists".

* "Success in battle depends mainly on morale and determination." Haig - 1907

* "The way to capture machine guns is by grit and determination." Haig - 1915

* "The nation must be taught to bear losses. No amount of skill on the part of the higher commanders, no training, however good, on the part of the officers and men, no superiority of arms and ammunition, however great, will enable victories to be won without the sacrifice of men's lives. The nation must be prepared to see heavy casualty lists." Haig June 1916 before the battle of the Somme

I don't think anyone would argue that determination is required to 'get it done'. A clear decision to risk your life for your choices requires an all or nothing kind of whole heartedness, and if you're going to battle you better be ready to fight and die. But how bad is it to fail to recognize a change to the 'rules' of war that are changing around you? Forget field marshals being experts at recognizing the changes in the 'game' around you, this is one of those things you have to learn in kindergarten. Failing to adapt is going to hurt.

Not to mention that failing to change, in this case sending thousands to die needlessly and without purpose is mind numbingly and obviously wrong. I'm going to guess it was his ego that was more important that all those lives.

Haig failed perhaps to see that a dead man cannot advance, and that to replace him is only to provide another corpse.
E. K. G. Sixsmith, British Generalship in the Twentieth Century, 1970

Perhaps being right was more important than the lives of others. Very sad.

But then, what is up with the British army leadership? Not only did he do this at the Battle of the Somme, but then he did it *again* later at the Third Battle of the Ypres. I just can't fathom all of that.

On this date in 1809

Edgar Allan Poe is born.

I think everyone probably recognizes the name. A poet, a writer, a novelist. But probably best known for poetry like 'The Raven' ...tap tap tapping on the chamber door. A tortured soul? Is he being judged? The meaning of life?

Remembered and praised in history as a great work. Yet, a very messy life. Parents dead by 3 years old and raised by his rich grandfather. But that didn't help him achieve social standing as he didn't finish university and wasn't able to last in the military. Sounds like a good label would be 'heavy drinker' as he bounced between various writing gigs. His wife's death made it all worse, and later yet he went missing after drinking one night to be found in a gutter 3 days later. He died in hospital at the age of 40. A sad biography, but a known figure in history all the same.

Good thing I'm still in my 30's!

What I do best

I was asked what is it that I do best. Easy to answer for some (like I
fix cars) and really hard in others. I guess the easies answer is that
I like to make an things run.

I was asked once at the end of college, as I went through 'missionary
accreditation' what I would like to do. I told the President of the
Christian and Missionary Alliance who asked, that I want to run stuff.
I had high language scores and wanted to go to a field where many people
were and I'd run the field and leave the others to do their job. Free
them from the administration. I was told the Christian and Missionary
Alliance doesn't send people overseas to run stuff. I should go be a
pastor.

Easy for me now to point at that and call it short sighted. Whatever
'chain of authority' that would violate and whatever sacred cows it
would slaughter, it prevented the mission from moving ahead. I left.
Perhaps I'm flattering myself here, but why would you not want a guy
with decent marks, a knack for languages, who has traveled the world and
eager to make the mission field great not to do what it is he believes
he is best to do? I'm thinking those same people may agree with me today.

What's worse, is I could have written the above the instant after those
words were spoken. I think in some ways for years I've been believing I
just can't do that. Even though as a kid I've had a sense that I'm
built to run stuff. In some ways I've been fighting my own self doubt
still to this day. Why would anyone cast shadows that can only serve to
rob life and liveliness? Why does *anyone* accept that? Why isn't
leadership better at understanding that than me and encouraging it?

How many times have we all tried to control people, instead of our
responsibilities, and not believed the words of others to our own
detriment?

Favorite Songs: STING: When the Angels Fall

I think I should post some of my favorite songs.

Music moves us all. It's kinda fascinating how music reaches places in
people that many things just can't. A song that reaches one, is just as
irritating to someone else. You can take two people that really like
the same song, and they will love it for different reasons.

I will endeavor to post some that move me. Not to promote them, because
this blog is about me. Some will agree and I'm guessing most won't. I
post them to maybe help myself learn something in the process of trying
to answer why I like them.

Sting's Soul Cages album will have a few posts. When I listen to these
tracks, I never seem to get tired of them. Every time I listen to these
tracks I think different thoughts, I feel very different and deep
things. I would defend them all as being 'excellent' in workmanship,
skill and recording, for one reason or another. But I think mostly they
all focus on evoking a particular quality that leaves me with a sense of
touching something true.

This one embodies all that. Written at a time of Sting contemplating
his own father's life I think there are many obvious parallels here for
me (if you know me). Many would say this is a horrible song talking
about the fall of the church. I say no: Sting is taking a stand for
himself in a struggle to cast off the molds, control and even the
expectations of rules and values that belong to others. I hear the
words of someone struggling to understand their own beliefs and values,
and taking a stand for himself.

I think that makes God smile, quite frankly. God isn't afraid of people
challenging beliefs and sorting things out. I think He encourages that.

If you listen close, right at the end of the track, Sting says 'Good
Night'. It's finished, it's done, and he's good with it all. It's a
statement of acceptance. It always leaves me with a sense of freedom,
and that freedom comes out of a clear sense of choice.

"When The Angels Fall"

So high above the world tonight
The angels watch us sleeping
And underneath a bridge of stars
We dream in safety's keeping
But perhaps the dream
Is dreaming us
Soaring with the seagulls
Perhaps the dream
Is dreaming us
Astride on the backs of eagles

When the angels fall
Shadows on the wall
In the thunder's call
Something haunts us all
When the angels fall
When the angels fall

Take your father's cross
Gently from the wall
A shadow still remaining
See the churches fall
In mighty arcs of sound
And all that they're containing
Yet all the rugged souls
Looking for their lost homes
Shuffle to the ruins
From the leveled plain
To search among the tombstones

When the angels fall
Shadows on the wall
In the thunder's call
Something haunts us all

When the angels fall
When the angels fall
When the angels fall

These are my feet
These are my hands
These are my children
And this is my demand
Bring down the angels
Cast them from my sight
I never want to see
A million suns at midnight

Your hands are empty
The streets are empty
You can't control us
You can't control us anymore

When the angels fall
When the angels fall
When the angels fall
When the angels fall
When the angels fall
When the angels fall

Sushi in Banff Alberta

Mmmmmmmm. Sushi. A great sushi lunch adds life and livliness....

See the view from the Sushi Train!!!

Should Christ followers use the courts?

In a nutshell, it is important in a society with laws and rules for
everyone to observe and follow those rules so we can all get along. So
yes, this may be required. For a traffic accident, where an insurance
company is trying to avoid responsibility, I doubt this is a question.

Contracts exist to itemize responsibilities and allow people to have
mutual expectations. If expectations are un-met, then you have to get
that resolved, and perhaps a court is required as society's tool to
understand who is responsible. I'm all for sorting out expectations if
'things' happen. We have to have *some* way to resolve things.

A personal boundry understanding that somone is not allowed to hurt you
is key here. If we don't have boundaries, then it gets muddy fast. If
someone fails to own responsibility under the law of the land, don't you
almost have a responsibility to see that through? Again, it all falls
apart if we have no rule of law. If someone fails to own responsibility
under the law of the land, and you fail to define your own boundaries
properly, how are you not just a door mat for people to step on?

TO MY AMERICAN FRIENDS: Does this make me a republican? Feel free to
comment boldy. I can take it.

I *think* Tony Campolo may disagree with this. Would a 'red letter'
Christian be morally bound to turn the other cheek, at any cost, at all
times? I'd love someone to spell that out.

So a personal boundary rule that states it is OK to avoid being hurt by
people is a good thing. I think, according to the Mike scale, it's rule
#3. It adds to your life and liveliness, including others. So if we
have a boundary that states that we do not allow people to harm us, what
is OK to sue on and what isn't?

WHERE IT ALL GOES BAD:
Kids are famous for breaking the cookie in half, and giving you the
drastically smaller half. People want everything they can get. It's
called entitlement. If a kid feels entitled to a bigger piece, they get
mad when they are called on it and labled selfish.

If people feel entitled, their motivation in any action is to get
something. So if the motivation is to sort out things in context of
relationships and you are ready to accept what you are responsible for,
then you're probably good to go. If your motivation is to get
something, then perhaps a honest look at what it is you want is in order.

I don't know of anything that we can be entitled to that doesn't steal
life and livliness.

Ferry trips add liveliness

We took the ferry from Tswassen to Victoria for an overnight stay. Needless to say it was rough and pretty cold in the wind, but it was fun.

Scott's friend Ryan that he made at the gate

This guy and Scott got into quite a discussion at the gate.

Just something about the water

I'm not sure if it's good memories of a childhood playing down in the
Fraser river fishing on the docks with my buddy David, or the change of
venue from Alberta, or perhaps there just is something about a fishing
boat just sitting bobbing up and down in the river.

Very picturesque, very calm, very BC.

Fisherman's Pot

Mmmmmmmmm: lunch down at Fisherman's Warf in Steveston, overlooking the
fishing boats.

Trip to Vancouver: Plane trip

Can you remember your first plane trip? Our kids were just buzzing they
were so excited. And it was infectious. Waving at the pilots from the
gate, chatting excitedly with everyone. In fact, they were so excited I
thought they were in danger of barfing.

Here's to the sheer joy of a first plane ride.

Crown Pork Roast

Nothing adds life and liveliness like food! For New Years Eve we had this Crown Pork Roast which had apple bourbon fennel dressing, rosemary roast potatoes and I finished each slice off with a 'Apple Bourbon sauce' that I got out of Fine Cooking magazine:

- I made chicken stock the previous day
- added bourbon
- added apple cider
- added some sugar (the cider was dry)

And reduced and thickened. It was very tasty.

Bruce has to own his life

So I just got my US tax statement, and they tell me I owe $12,960 in
unpaid taxes and over $1500 in fines and penalties. When I call them to
tell them I paid that missing $13k back in April, they tell me that I
filed it with a 2007 coupon, not towards 2006. And since I filed it as
such, I would have to pay the $15k in penalties now, and expect a refund
next year. They cannot re-designated payments once ear marked.

I wanted to fight, and blame the confusing system, accountants being
late, even the fact that I'm in Canada and handicapped. But I just had
to suck it up and say:

"I made a mistake. This was my bad. Oh man, I need to fix this because
I messed it up."

Then, to my surprise she said hang on a sec. She put me on hold, and
came back quoting some loophole that suddenly allowed her to move the
money to the right place. I said thank you very much.

She also told me to:
- not trust accountants that say they know it all. You need to be aware
and make things happen that I need to happen
- tax payments due in April according to a postmark *DOES NOT* apply to
a payment only. That must be sent in and received before tax day.
- Phone up and check that they have everything, once you file. Don't
wait for a statement

Thank you very much to the IRS for the help, and the lesson.

Aid to Africa

I don't think the latest violence and election crisis in Kenya is not really a surprise to just about anyone. As a former resident of Kenya for a year, I feel like I have a bit more of an insight than someone that has never been there, and certainly have an opinion.

Foreign aid, as it is popularly discussed and utimately delivered to African nations by the UN and richer nations like the US, largely fails to make a difference. In fact, I think most of it fuels the downward spiral of African nations to the point now where countries are poorer, have more economic issues and have ended up funding military hardware that has killed many people.

Don't get me wrong: I believe in relief and development work, and feel good about things I've done. And I don't think many would disagree with me that the 'big business of relief to Africa' is so political could only fail. But I really don't hear anyone saying that. It's not politically correct.

I'm not sure how to address these issues either. But, if I were in charge, I'd start with the fact that until the African own their own lives, country, problems and stop looking outward, the aid given is bound to continue to suck the life and liveliness from the whole continent.

Starting out

Some folk (no names mentioned Mike and Della) have nicknamed me a hard ass before. A title that I kinda like, even though I don't think it's always been a compliment. It's true that I like a level of clarity in my life that some are OK without. I'm not sure really if it's that some people don't want a brutally honest level of clarity, or if sometimes too much clarity is actually bad. I'd have to admit that sometimes, forcing more clarity is just for my own likes and ends up taking life and liveliness from others in an awkward sort of way.

My personality is not only my excuse to push for this but also the way I'm made so I honestly have to start here.